What women really REALLY want. Honest.

How many times have you read articles or watched movies about what women really want? It is like reading a How to guide on Olympic level gymnastics. They make it sound like anyone can do it, but we all know that only the few genetic freaks are up to the job. The same applies to pleasing women.

Most of the instructions I have read on how to please a woman include something along the lines of:

“Buy lots of diamonds, flowers, chocolates; bankrupt yourself for your woman. Only then will she be convinced of your love.”

Well, I am a woman that is not much interested in diamonds. Don’t get me wrong, if you want to give me a diamond, I am not going to refuse, but if we are being honest here, I do not require a diamond as a sign of your love.

If you really think about it, if you need to give someone tonnes of expensive gifts for them to want to be with you, chances are your relationship has shallow foundations. 

I know there will be women out there who will be prepared to assassinate me for saying this. Some women desire stuff more than others. It is fine to give women stuff, so long as your relationship is based on something more than just stuff.

However, it does help to occasionally buy small gifts for your woman. It lets her know that you are thinking of her at random moments.

At no time should you ever, I repeat EVER tell your girl that you thought of getting her something, but then didn’t. Virtual gifts do not count. The thought does not count. This has happened to me. The guy clearly wanted me to know that he was thinking of me even if he couldn’t have been bothered to fork out the money for the gift. Trust me, it doesn’t work. We think you are stingy, and don’t really care about us at all. 

Another thing that is valuable to a woman is your time. The world is hectic, and we have to compete with work, beer, sports, beer, play station, cars and beer for your attention. A woman will really appreciate it if you occasionally set aside a time for just you and her.  Put her above one or other of your regular activities, say Thursday night at the pub with the guys. She will be assured of her value in your eyes.

You should know that women love detail. We tend to analyse everything in our lives in minute detail, and we want to know about yours too. You guys on the other hand, may have slain Godzilla, pulled a small child out of an erupting volcano, swam the channel and knitted a scarf, but if we ask how your day was, you will still reply “fine”. We will be over the moon with the cow and the spoon (who dumped dish, who went to pieces) if you actually tell us some details about your lives.

Even if you ate salami instead of chicken, for some unfathomable reason, we want to know about it. Indulge us.  Don’t think that because you find your day to be as interesting as dried earwax that we won’t be able to extract hours of fascination from reconstructing it into our personal images of you, which may or may not have any bearing on reality, but which we will be convinced defines the “real you.”

Lastly, never lie to a woman. Never tell her that her bum looks fine if it really looks fat. Just never tell her that it looks fat either. Women want the truth, but it must be the truth that they want to hear. Truth is subjective, all women know that. So if she asks you if her bum looks fat, tell her the truth she wants to hear. Which is something like this:

“Your bum doesn’t look big in those trousers. I am not just saying that to please you. But you will get pissed off with me for saying it anyway. Basically you feel fat, therefore you are miserable and whatever I say is going to piss you off.  It doesn’t look tiny, I will give you that. But you want me to say that anyway so that you can feel righteously depressed about it, because you already were,  so there, now you can be upset in peace.”

Then run for your life.

P.S You do realise that this is written by one woman, and therefore does not necessarily apply to any other woman whatsoever. We are all confoundedly different, and anyone knows that all women participate in a secret plot to keep men as confused as possible so as to never allow them to crack the code that is WOMAN. It is all a way to score free diamonds when you panic and have no idea how to make things right.  So all of this is lies anyway.