This is my last whack job attack. It was only for one day (thank the little leaping leprechauns) when I was working for a temp job agency.
Vegetable chopping factory.
Me. Hairnet, gloves, plastic sleeves, plastic slippers. Walk into factory. Go immediately blind. Eyes burning. Nose pouring, eyes streaming. Earwax dripping freely.
Room full of chopped onion.
Taken to conveyor belt. Handed knife. Knife??! Cannot see. Eyeballs suspended in vat of acid. Onion also makes me sneeze. Am shown little area for wiping and washing eyes. Regulars don't need to use it as tearducts have withered. Have to visit this area every 5 seconds. Spent entire day cutting bits off tubers with knife while totally and utterly blind. Did not lose one single limb. Colleague did and got sent home. Have never felt so much pain in eyes.
Spent every minute of that day begging for it to end. Was the longest day in the history of this world. If I wasn't crying so much from attack of killer onions I may just have cried from emotional trauma instead.
So that is it folks. Now remember, stay in school, don't do drugs, and above all, don't do what I did, and everything will be fine. Mostly. Respect mah authoritah.
(If you have an express wish to be Cartman, do you think you may need some sort of counselling/straitjacket/sex change/visit to fat camp? Just asking. Hypothetically.)