Thursday, 23 October 2008

Smallish Brittin - unleashed.

Here it is, my screamplay called:

Location: Buckingnim Palace

Queen: Gordy, do you mind if I call you Gordy, would you like some tea?

Prime minister (played by Smeagol - ask Ches): Don't mind if I do. And some cake please, can't have tea without the cake, my pressssscious, I mean, your Highnesssssssss.

Queen: Indeed. So remind me why you and your Parliamentarians are here again?

PM: We have had a report from an Average Brittish Man that he overheard his neighbours plotting a dastardly attack upon the Palace. We are waiting for him to come in and tell us the full story.

Average BRITTiSH man (Will Smith): Yo yo yo Whats up homies, here I am, yor average Briddish man getting jiggy with it, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.

Queen: What on earth is he saying? What is your name young man?

Will Smith: Will Smith, your majesty

Queen: Ah, William Smith, a fine BRITTiSH name indeed. But why do you speak so funny?

Will Smith: Wot, me? Oim just a regular Briddish lad, innit? Innit? Am I bovvered, my china plate?

PM: Oi, Queenie, wot the hell is 'e on about?

Queen: Dunno, guvner. Oi, guvner?

PM: Wot?

Queen: Why we speaking like commoners?
PM: Dunno. Just seemed appropriate.

In walks The Baddie. He has a towel on his head.

PM: Oh my god, look, it is a forriner wearing a turban! He must be the man come to kill us all!

Queen: Oh my, where is our trusty secret agent [Mr Bean] to seize him and save us all? He seems to have disappeared.

PM: you there, forriner! Freeze!

Baddie: What the crap are you on about, I'm not foreign, I'm from Wolverhampton!

Queen: Where on earth is that?

Baddie: Why you saying I'm forrin? Iz it becoz I iz black?

PM: you aren't black.

Baddie: All right then, a shade of unroasted coffee beans.

PM: you are wearing a turban.

Baddie: you numpty, it's a towel! I just came from the sauna. I heard something about a terrorist and came to see wot was going on!

Enter the tabloid dignitaries: We heard something about a baddie attacking the Palace, and thort, wot a good tabloid moment! So we have come to save the day!

Tabloid dignitary B: Look there is someone wearing a turban, he must be the baddie! Get him folks!

The tabloid dignitaries attack the Baddie. 

The emperor in his new clothes (David Beckham): Oi people we are BRITTiSH, we can't go around behaving like football hooligans!

PM: But David, some BRITTiSH people are football hooligans.

David: all right then. But we BRITTiSH always know what to do in a crisis situation, don't we, folks? 

Queen: Yes, yes indeed we do.

They all sit down and have Tea, closely followed by Cake.

PM: I wonder what happened to our superbuff secret-agent [Mr Bean] who was supposed to be on standby to save us all?

Queen: Isn't he the man who has been curled up asleep on that armchair the entire time?


I swear that is what it is like living here, every day. Even the part about Will Smith. Especially the part about Will Smith.


6000 said...

Well, if you think GB is that sh!t, you could always just leave.

I jest.

It's amazing how a cup of tea can solve every problem, isn't it? Entire family wiped out in freak yachting accident?
"Never mind luv. Have a cuppa."

Russians launched nuclear missiles - 4 minute warning?
"Better put the kettle on, hey?"

One wonders what would happen in a real crisis: like if they ran out of tea.

"Oooh dear, pet - let's have a brew. ARGH!"

6000 said...

OK. That last bit sounded funnier in my head.

Rox said...

Hehehe, brilliant!

Thanks Po - that made my morning a lot less bleh. :-)

Kitty Cat said...

Ha ha ha ha !!! Very funny! You are talented Po!

po said...

6000: you been reading speak your branes lately? Hehe, I love Brittin, it is quirky and.... unique!

Please, let the world never run out of tea, would be catastrophic.

Hey, maybe you should write a South African version, I think outsiders have a better perspective on the odd things. Although I have a feeling Saffas might struggle to laugh at themselves as easily as people over here!

po said...

rox: thanks, it was fun to write

kitty cat: thanks, have to find ways to entertain myself!

Tamara said...

Hehehehehe... Po, I would love to spend a day in your head!

po said...

Hehe, Tamara, that is a nice thing to say, I often wish I could be in anyone elses head, just to escape mine!

My mind is usually as blank as a slate, with a few peaks of sudden activity. In real life I am super dull.

Being Brazen said...

great screen play...

BTW - my comments work now - yippee!!!!!

po said...

thanks BB, good news.

Ches said...

HA HA HA, classic Po. well done...

...when's the movie coming out?

Is it going to be Hollywood or Bollywood?

po said...

Oooh, Bollywood could give in an interesting edge!

I think South Africa needs a film industry, would it be called Snollywood? hahahaha.

Dash said...

very funny - British simcoms always were the best.

LadyFi said...

Very funny! Gosh - my time in the UK was not really like that! Although we did drink lots of tea .. and coffee for that matter if we could find a real good espresso...

You forgot ONE important element: the rain! That Baddie in the towel is wearing a towel cos it's raining see and he couldn't find his umbrella and that's why he has a towel on his head. (A Brit having a sauna is not likely unless he has emigrated to Sweden, say, or Finland...)

po said...

ladyfi: good point about the sauna. But really, your life wasn't like that? I see Gordon and the Queen, and Will Smith daily! And I don't even live in London. It is all in my happy little mind...

Dash: I know I love them too. I could star in one, perhaps the female version of mr bean.

Anonymous said...