Here it is, my screamplay called:
Location: Buckingnim Palace
Queen: Gordy, do you mind if I call you Gordy, would you like some tea?
Prime minister (played by Smeagol - ask Ches): Don't mind if I do. And some cake please, can't have tea without the cake, my pressssscious, I mean, your Highnesssssssss.
Queen: Indeed. So remind me why you and your Parliamentarians are here again?
PM: We have had a report from an Average Brittish Man that he overheard his neighbours plotting a dastardly attack upon the Palace. We are waiting for him to come in and tell us the full story.
Average BRITTiSH man (Will Smith): Yo yo yo Whats up homies, here I am, yor average Briddish man getting jiggy with it, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.
Queen: What on earth is he saying? What is your name young man?
Will Smith: Will Smith, your majesty
Queen: Ah, William Smith, a fine BRITTiSH name indeed. But why do you speak so funny?
Will Smith: Wot, me? Oim just a regular Briddish lad, innit? Innit? Am I bovvered, my china plate?
PM: Oi, Queenie, wot the hell is 'e on about?
Queen: Dunno, guvner. Oi, guvner?
PM: Wot?
Queen: Why we speaking like commoners?
PM: Dunno. Just seemed appropriate.
In walks The Baddie. He has a towel on his head.
PM: Oh my god, look, it is a forriner wearing a turban! He must be the man come to kill us all!
Queen: Oh my, where is our trusty secret agent [Mr Bean] to seize him and save us all? He seems to have disappeared.
PM: you there, forriner! Freeze!
Baddie: What the crap are you on about, I'm not foreign, I'm from Wolverhampton!
Queen: Where on earth is that?
Baddie: Why you saying I'm forrin? Iz it becoz I iz black?
PM: you aren't black.
Baddie: All right then, a shade of unroasted coffee beans.
PM: you are wearing a turban.
Baddie: you numpty, it's a towel! I just came from the sauna. I heard something about a terrorist and came to see wot was going on!
Enter the tabloid dignitaries: We heard something about a baddie attacking the Palace, and thort, wot a good tabloid moment! So we have come to save the day!
Tabloid dignitary B: Look there is someone wearing a turban, he must be the baddie! Get him folks!
The tabloid dignitaries attack the Baddie.
The emperor in his new clothes (David Beckham): Oi people we are BRITTiSH, we can't go around behaving like football hooligans!
PM: But David, some BRITTiSH people are football hooligans.
David: all right then. But we BRITTiSH always know what to do in a crisis situation, don't we, folks?
Queen: Yes, yes indeed we do.
They all sit down and have Tea, closely followed by Cake.
PM: I wonder what happened to our superbuff secret-agent [Mr Bean] who was supposed to be on standby to save us all?
Queen: Isn't he the man who has been curled up asleep on that armchair the entire time?
THE END
I swear that is what it is like living here, every day. Even the part about Will Smith. Especially the part about Will Smith.
