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Thursday, 27 November 2008

The arsonist strikes back


I was home alone a few weeks ago because the BFG had gone away for the weekend (I have decided to call G the BFG from now on. He is very friendly, and quite big in some areas. What? He has big hands you dirty people).

I was sitting doing something useful and intellectual, like blogging, when I noticed an acrid smell. I put it down to a neighbour's cooking fiasco and ignored it. But over the hours the smell got stronger and stronger until I was coughing. When I looked around me I realised the room was full of thick smoke. It smelled like burning plastic. I am a bit slow, so it took an inability to breathe for me to realise that perhaps something was wrong.

I stumbled about the house, checking to see if I had left an appliance on, but deep down I was thinking: goddamit, it's the ARSONIST! Our arsonist has struck again, in an attempt to kill us all!

I stumbled to the front door and looked out. None of my neighbours seemed to be evacuating. All was calm. But they could have evacuated hours ago, leaving me to die alone. So I grabbed my coat, and as I walked past the kitchen I thought I should just check the stove.

There I found the molten, charred mass that was once a loaf of bread. It seems I had left the stove on just above the 0 setting, and then dumped a loaf of bread on it, as you do. Throughout the day, the loaf had slowly but surely burned away. The plastic covering had melted all over the stove in interesting patterns, and the bread had become one fused black blob of charcoal.

The smell and the ashes were around for days.

I am not an arsonist. I swear it was not me who set fire to the building the first time. The arsonist is not a figment of my imagination. He lives.

You don't believe me, do you?

22 comments:

Ches said...

Run me through that again?

po said...

I set fire to my house via a loaf of bread?

LadyFi said...

You crazy girl! I once did that with some burn cabbage! I can relate... And doesn't melted plastic make interesting shapes?

LadyFi said...

I meant to write: burnt cabbage...

po said...

How on earth did you do that with burnt cabbage, ladyfi? I am trying to picture it.

Louisa said...

I once had the same thing with a bag of frozen veg...the plastic and the veg made like i little forest of broccoli trees on the plate...lots of fun to clean of course.

6000 said...

I thought the burning smell might have been your brain.

po said...

Louisa: A broccoli forest, what fun!

6000: what brain?

sleepyjane said...

I believe you....~pats~

R said...

My gran almost did that with a boiled egg once. It wasn't fun at all.

po said...

sleepyjane: *suspicious eyes* you do?

R: wherewhathow? Please enlighten?

R(ox) said...

Oops, getting a bit rushed in my comments there, lol.

Tamara said...

hehehehe... Imagine having to explain that one to your insurance company had your place burned down ;-)

po said...

Rox: so about that egg?

Tamara: what insurance company?!

Prixie said...

is that a halo i see? tee hee...

BecauseIcan said...

omw! That is the funniest thing ever!
You waited till you were choking on smoke before noticing that you had a prob?
You are obviously a very intense blogger...

po said...

Prixie: oh yes, that is me!

B: I think "dazed and confused and from another planet" might be a better description of me :)

Rox said...

She put it on, and then forgot about it... next thing a good few hours later we came in to a very smoke filled kitchen and an EXTREMELY burnt egg.

The pot was a total mess too, lol. And my gran still makes kickass egg mayo sandwiches, so she learned a lesson in the boiling part, hehe.

po said...

Weird. I have never seen a burnt egg before. I just cant picture it.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I'm large in 1 area.

I have a Big Butt

Rox said...

It's quite something to behold, not even Google can picture it.

The pot looked a bit like this though:
http://files.myopera.com/10pins/blog/burnt.jpg

po said...

moe: don't we all?

rox: hehe nice pot.