Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Quit playing games with my heart

I am ever so slightly homesick. I do not necessarily have a "home" as such. But I miss the place that my heart tells me is home. None of my family lives there any more. Almost all my friends have moved. But I still want to be there.

They all tell me there is no way I should go back. I am sure everyone knows the reasons; the arguments for and against blah blah, ranging from AA, BEE, Zimbabwe-style melt downs to death-for-cell-phone. I have heard them all over and over again, for the last five years or so. Many of the things I agree with. I may be stubborn but I am not stupid.

I hope this does not offend the people actually living there. But many of you would have at least thought these things through yourselves. Right?

Despite all the hopeless doom and gloom, my heart still keeps telling me it wants to come back. To come HOME. Specifically to Cape Town, where the mountain and the sea make it impossible to know where to find the best view. Where life consisted of going climbing or playing beach volleyball after work and weekends were spent out in the mountains.

Probably if we moved back to Cape Town I would be lonely and miss England. It could happen. Or I could be freaked out by all the crime. I had my fair share of bad experiences in the past, but it takes moving and leaving it all to realise what a huge impact it has on your life. Then I just dealt with it. Could I now?

I am not sure that we could even find work in Cape Town. Jobs in our fields are limited and the pay is bad.

Let's just say, if you write it all out in a list, there are more cons to going home than pros.

But for the last 2 years or so it has been pretty much all I can think about. I don't know why I am so fixed on this. I have no British passport. If we leave we cannot just come back to the UK. It is a big decision. One that need not be made just yet, with me starting my new job and all.

Exmi's tarot reading told me very clearly to think rationally and not with my heart. Right now I am as far from rational as it is possible to be. My reasons for wanting to go home are vague. Do I really belong there? I have never really "belonged" anywhere.

I feel somehow that South Africa defined me and made me what I am now. But in theory you can make yourself whatever you want to be wherever you happen to be. It is up to you.

I think I suffer from mushy brain on toast syndrome or something.

I can't analyse it any more.

I just want to go HOME where the dassies roam and steal your Klippies for their afternoon dop and where you get free car removal services, often even before you thought you needed them. Now that is service.


Louisa said...

Dorothy...there's no place like home. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Well, they do say that home is where the heart is.. .Guess you'll just have to figure that out first in order to know what you really want.

Tay said...

Why don't you come over for a holiday to soothe the homesickness a little. Erm, then again it could just make it worse... Hugs!

Unknown said...

Hmmm...that is a tough one. As someone living here (in your "home") and having been overseas for 2.5 years myself, I understand exactly how you feel. When I was in Greece, I started to miss South Africa TERRIBLY. Because home is home. But the crime is not improving, and it does dampen all the good. And a holiday will only show you the good stuff, and not the bad, cos the bad will creep back up on you if you live here again. And if your family and friends are not here, then I many South Africans are still leaving, but then many are coming back.

6000 said...

The crime is sooo over-rated, honestly. The mountain, the beaches, the winelands, the people, the zebras, the brais, the atmosphere, the weather, the fish, the Waterfront, the World Cup, the sea?
Not so over-rated.
(Well, ok - maybe the Waterfront is a bit...)

Anonymous said...

Africa is something that's in your blood - and Cape Town especially is just such an amazing place on so many levels.

I love this place warts and all, and even though the issues are still there - in Cape Town they are at least not as bad as other places. And as 6000 says, the sea, the mountain, the winelands, the vibe, the city, the spirit... that is what Cape Town really stands for.

I agree with Tay, try and come for a holiday and see what happens!

po said...

louisa: agreed :)

ladyfi: well it has been telling me for the last two years

tay: i did earlier this year. It probably made it worse

Kitty: yeah it is a tough one. It keeps getting put off though.

6000: have you had a crime incident? I have been robbed about 14 times, mugged at knife point, cars stolen, family members tied up in cupborads with guns to heads, neighbours shot etc etc. It doesn't seem ovverated to me. But I guess it all depends on what has happened to you.

po said...

Rox: I was on holiday in April and had a freaking awesome time! But holidays do not include jobs, homes, crime etc.

Anyway, I really do want to come home and that is that.

Unknown said...

I disagree with 6000, it's not over-rated, not when you're a victim of crime yourself, and not when you know someone (a little dear old lady) who had her throat slashed after they robbed her.
But I agree, the rest of Cape Town and South Africa is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Follow your heart then - at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for YOU... even if there are risks and big issues to face.

P.S. Yay, then we can invite you to blogger bashes and stuff. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Would you like a cookie? :D

Yeah...I don't really have anything else to say. All the other wise people got here first and stole my ideas you know.

Miss T said...

Ah Po! * hug* listen lass I am 100% there with you. Today in my meeting with one of the managers they made some little joke about "hey you're from South can run things in SA if we open an office there" Two thoughts were:
1. YEA home!!!
2. Oh no

For warmth, beauty and amazing people South Africa is the best but already I know going home would be a step backwards for me. Its a dilema

Kitty Cat and 6000 have some very good points

Dash said...

full on! that's a horrible dilemma to have. But that entire post sounds rational. Seems like you are doing that, its just that your heart doesn't like the answer. I have never been to SA, so I can't really give advice, but there is a relevant Australian song:

"I've been around the world a couple of time or maybe more, I've seen the sights and had the lights of every foreign shore. But when people ask me the place the I adore, I tell them right away....Give me a home among the gum trees..."

Moe Wanchuk said...

I thought the same thing about my hometown Detroit.

So, I went home for a week.

Worst economy in the world. Crime is awful. People are angry. It changed my mind quickly. I miss my family, but I just can't live there anymore.

6000 said...

Kitty: It IS over-rated. The perception and fear of crime is FAR worse than the actual incidence of crime.
Sure - if it's happened to you, it's terrible (and it has happened to me) but I'm so fed up of the senstationalist reporting and the braai talk with people trying to out do each other with their CHinese whispered stories.

My friend was hijacked 2 years ago in Rondebosch. I STILL hear that story whenever crime is being dicussed at a dinner or braai. And now they have guns (they didn't) and they took her 3 kids (they didn't and she still only has 2 kids) and she was in hospital for 3 months (she was uninjured) etc etc. By 2009, they will be using lasers and nuclear missiles to rob her and her 19 children.
That story is just an example though - everyone tells it like it was yesterday, but it was in Dec 06! So everyone thinks that happens in the Southern Subs every day. And it doesn't. Isolated incidents blown out of all proportion.

po said...

dash: you got it. my heart wants to go home but it doesnt necessarily make sense

moe: interesting. You sound way more rational than me.

6000: I think each person has their limit. I didnt think I had reached mine when I was home, but now that I am in the UK thinking about it it really freaks me out what crap I found normal.