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Thursday, 19 February 2009

The pies and the lies.

Fat panda Po


I don't mean to be running an illicit Womens' magazine here (although that does sound intriguingly naughty) but I am back on the subject of the boy creatures.

Usually when I write something, be it an assignment, or a blog post or just something random, I show it to the BFG. And always, always, he is brutally honest. He often tells me that it is silly, or that he doesn't get it, or else he just makes a grunting noise. And I am so grateful for this.

Of course I am crushed at the time, but I value his honesty greatly. For the times when he bursts out laughing, or says he really likes something. Because then I know that he really means it, and is not just humouring me.

So where does this brutish honesty disappear to in other areas of life?

Like, for instance, I have been eating like a possessed Pac Man lately, and my clothes are feeling suspiciously tight. I do not own a scale, for they are mean and probably lie anway, and cause scary obsessive behaviour that is best avoided.

So I thought I could use the BFG as my fat barometer. All I wanted to know was if I should eat one less crunchy nut cornflake per day, or try to relocate the gym (it appears to be hiding from me at the moment). After all, he does see me nekkid every day and spoon me every night in a loving embrace (puke now if you must), so he should know.

I asked if he could tell if I was getting fatter.

His answer was: "WhatNO I don't know, you are a bit cuddly maybe, please don't beat me, am I in trouble now?"

So silly. Men are always going on about women being complicated, and not knowing what we want. Let me clear it up for you once and for all. Except on certain occasions, which should be glaringly obvious*, when we need you to lie and to lie well, we want your complete and bare-faced honesty.

Of course the truth hurts, and you are likely to recieve a verbal lashing, a thorough beating, and no sex for quite some time, but in the end we will be grateful to you. We just want you to be straight with us. We rely on your honesty because no one else will give it to us.

Geddit?

*please don't tell me you can't tell? What is wrong with you? You are so insensitive, are you blind? You know nothing about me after all these years, you have no feelings I hate you...

17 comments:

LadyFi said...

I think men have been conditioned to lie to us about our weight... Girlfriends on the other hand, might be a bit more brutally honest...

Otherwise - tight clothes probably never lie...

Dash said...

lookout for a treadmill christmas present. that might be more honest that anyone needs.

boldly benny said...

MM always gets decidedly uncomfortable when I ask for his honest opinion! He refuses to answer anything about my body - I think he's too afraid.

The Spear said...

"...and no sex for quite some time..."

Then you have the audacity to ask us why we lie. :)

Tamara said...

LOL at Dash.

I reckon if you're brave enough to ask a body-related question, you should be brave enough to hear an honest answer. If you're not, don't ask.

Unfortunately, most women don't operate like that and keep asking, "Does this make my ass look fat?" and expecting to hear "no" even if it's not the truth. And too many men have yet to learn that saying, "Yes - you look like Shamu's fat twin" will probably more likely to land them squarely in the no-sex-for-you-ever-again zone than saying, "Hmmm... you know, I really prefer you in those black jeans. You look so hot in those. And they match your shoes better."

Astharis said...

Men mostly feel that the "Do I look fat?" is a trap which must be side-stepped at all costs!

po said...

ladyfi: but maybe they shrank in the wash???

dash: I would never get one of those for Christmas, way too expensive. And Xmas is a long way away...

boldy benny: but I just want honesty!

po said...

the spear: come on, you gotta have balls. We will respect you for it in the end, and then you will get make up sex :)

Tamara: you are so right. But I think I am honestly just asking. But yeah, it is a cruel way to torture the poor dude. Whahahaha to Shamu's fat twin though. I expect to hear yes, but perhaps in a more understated way than that!

Astharis: but it doesn't have to be a trap, I am not trying to play games with the boy. Not today at least :) Of course I do sometimes and that makes him very confused.

Champagne Heathen said...

Your boyfriend sounds like my gaggle of brothers - when you do get a compliment on your work, you realise they really really mean it!

As for fat - you owe him sex just for giving you such a cute answer. "Cuddly"!

DT said...

Now if I were a man, I think this might work: "You may have put on a bit...but it is understandable, you have been under a HUGE amount of stress. BUT I actually think you look more sexy now than ever before!" This needs to be followed with a huge hug with my feet off the ground and a passionate kiss to silence any protestations that would inevitably come from my lips and therefore soon be forgotten!
Teehee, what do you think?

po said...

Champagne heathen: yeah and I do appreciate it. Altough I may act like a hurt deer for a while!

DT, that is profound, it is almost as if you are a woman, oh wait you are! No man would think of that now would he?

Dash said...

that's it. I'm gonna start witholding sex...now, if only I was in the same country...

po said...

Dash: mwahaha it doesn't really count if you are in different countries, you know.

Paula said...

I love this post. And yes; we do want honety. I won't lie. It's demented not towant it. In fact that's whyI have as many friends as I do; I am brutally honest.

THat being said. I hope I get a BFG one day sounds like SO much fun. Well, my own one, I've already planned his nickname. Which is demented.


But like if you are cuddly and you're comfortable go with it. If not invest is a GPS and get your booty to tyhe gym.

:)

Paula said...

I love this post. Very true.

Hmmm. But if you're feeling comfy then roll with it; if not try locating the gym; then do it... and actual go (I'm gettin passed this hurdle right here).

Aw... I want a BFG well; my own version (I've even got a nickname ready for him)Which is demented- but you'll get used to it.

:)

po said...

Ah Paula, but you are so young, you will find a BFG in time.

I am interested in what his nickname will be?

Paula said...

My BFG's nickname will be Bear if it suits who he is. I hope it does. I've always wanted the strength and bigness of a bear with all the gentle qualities in my manly man :) <3

I have lots of time till he comes along. I've got no time at the moment for anyone; but it's nice to hear and talk about it. :) Let's me hope :)