Thursday, 1 January 2009

Everybody hurts everybody. Sometimes.

A serious thought for so early on in the year. Just warning you. It is my first day off copious amounts of wine and champagne, which may explain the slightly morose nature of this post.

I realised while in the bath (most of my coherent thoughts come to me in the bath) that the most painful experiences I have had - the ones that still linger and come back to hurt me again and again - are never times where other people have hurt me. They are times when I have hurt other people.

Sometimes when I remember the things I have said or done to other people I feel crippled with pain for an instant.

The pain I have had inflicted upon me by others pales in comparison. I often see those experiences as things to learn and grow from.

But sheesh I have said and done things I would love to erase from existence. Maybe my victims aren't as bothered as I expect. But this does not make me feel one tiny bit better.

I would say my New Year's resolution is to try even harder than usual to not hurt people. At least in the easy, predictable ways. But it is more difficult than it should be. And it doesn't stop other people from hurting me.

And is it wrong that my main motivation for not hurting people comes from a desire to protect myself from pain even more than to protect others?

Um. A joyous New Year to you all, and stuff.


Being Brazen said...

A very honest post.

Hope 2009 is a wonderful, happy, regret-free year for you.

Sass said...

Honestly, I think you're probably being a bit hard on yourself. :)

Happy New Year, and you know what I think? A little self-reflection is never a bad thing.

I'd say I'm sending you a hug, but you're apparently in the bath and that would seem creepy. ;)

LadyFi said...

I do agree with you - it's generally our own silly actions that hurt ourselves... I guess that is what the cliche 'What goes round comes round' means.

Don't be too hard on yourself though! And thank goodness you're back...

Drink more coffee and tea as maybe your melancholy is fuelled by all that champers? ;-)

Dash said...

amen, good observation!

an merry christmas / new year and stuff too

Anonymous said...

It is an awful feeling Po, but somehow you need to forgive yourself! I think we are all prone to feeling a bit morbid at the end of all festivities. It is the end of the rollercoaster ride! I hope you have a fantastic '09!

Rox said...

The important thing is letting go of all those regrets, and no matter what your motivation for not doing anything that could put you back into the regret-mode, the important thing is that you're aware of it.

You can't be such a bad person if you can self-reflect like this, regardless of your motivations or self-preservation tendencies.

Here's to a regret and pain free 2009 for everyone!

Medio Pomelo said...

A very heavy but true thought to come from a bathroom! Thanks for putting into words what I feel too but couldn't write down! I do envy people who just drift through life without that sort of hard-core self observations though.

Happy new year to you and happy writing!

po said...

medio pomelo: I think everyone has a place where they think best and the bath is the place for me!