Sunday, 24 May 2009

Pretty fly for a white girl

Yesterday (Saturday, please note) I was at work the whole day for a conference. Before I made my weary way home, I stopped off to water my plants. I swore at the flies, watered and then left.

What with the walk, the missed train, the wait at the station, and the journey, I was travelling at least an hour an a half.

When I got home and looked in the mirror, there was a fly on my face. A squashed dead fly on my face, like some kind of mole or somewhat unbeautiful beauty spot. OR fly freckles, fly measless, a fly zit? It was one of the disgusting tiny scarid flies that have been plaguing my poor plants for the last few months.

Apparently my face is more effective at fly destruction than the numerous fly papers which they refuse to get trapped in, the insecticide, and the nematodes which are supposed to eat their vile progeny.

The effing flies have wised up to the fly papers and now they don't even fly. They just sit there. They are not even flies, they are sits.

I have never seen the point of flies, I mean, they don't even eat flies, as Eddie Izzard would say. But what could be the point on this earth of a sit? These are flies on the dole.

So I wore the fly in public for an hour and a half. Fantastic.

No one said anything. How could they? How do you say to someone, "Um, you appear to have a dead fly hanging from your face" and allow for any modicum of dignity for yourself or the poor insectly-afflicted person?

Fuck you flies, you are going down. Even if I have to vacuum up each of you individually, as my boss did one afternoon.

Apologies to any Zoologists (Helen) or insect lovers. Helen, you need some lizard food?


LadyFi said...

Hilarious! I bet you wore that fly - sorry, sit - with style though!

po said...

Ladyfi: hmmm. I have my doubts about my stylishness. Can one look stylish with a squashed fly on one's face?

I spose its better than egg.

Rox said...

Hehehe, sits... awesome.

Annoying buggers flies are, from the big ones to the little fruit ones - and I guess Brits are too polite to make any comment about said annoying insects on ones face?

Helen said...

Thanks, but I don't think they'd do too well in the mail... I'm not a fan of flies, although I understand that they do more pollinating than bees, so I guess we'd better keep them around.

For what it's worth, totally squashed one this morning! You know that fly that follows you EVERYWHERE? And people say "it isn't following you, they're different flies!" well I squished it and had peace (on the fly front) for quite a while!

po said...

Rox: yes they are too polite, but I feel that I might be too. It depends how well I know the person. But surely some of my workmates saw the freaking fly?

Helen: come on I don't mind, maybe we could do an exchange, I send you a load of flies, you send me a lizard to eat up the spare flies, it sound perfect?

I have never killed a fly in my life (until now). I never saw the point, those huge buzzy flies in South Africa were annoying but I found that if you waved your arms around like a maniac for a whole minute (it had to be a whole minute) they tended to leave you alone. This worked with mozzies too.

But these disgusting tiny ones that don't even fly, they must die. I will make up the bad karma somehow.

Tamara said...

LOL - loved this post, Po.

I seem to attract those flies that require you to wave your arms around like a maniac for a whole minute before disappearing into oblivion and ensuring that anyone around you thinks you are totally off your rocker seeing they can't see a fly anywhere.

At least sits are easier to kill.

po said...

Tamara: no way, do you wave your arms too?

These sits are refusing to die, the only option seems to be the vacuum cleaner

Helen said...

Ah yes, but first I have to CATCH the lizard... which is the problem at the moment! I'll let you know if I have any spares!

It needs a full minute? No wonder I always battle to get rid of them! I generally wave a few times and then leave the room...

Goblin said...

This may be terribly nasty considering how icky that is but...I really really laughed.

And don't work on Saturday's, it's not good for your health.

po said...

Helen: eeesh things are getting desperate, send that lizard asap. When I walked into the plant room this morning the flies seem to have multiplied and they are flying again and I got covered in them. Euw euw euw. It is an infestation.

Goblin: laugh, laugh away. I am laughing too. Now. Inbetween reliving the trauma of looking like an idiot.

Dash said...

oh god! You had me in stitches!

EEbEE said...

I managed to find one of those insect tazers.

works well and is incredibly fun.

*swish POP!*

Now I don't see flies anymore. They have a sixth sense about these things i'm sure. (just when i start having fun too...)

Tamara said...

Have you seen those insect-tazers in the racquet shape? I WANT one of those - makes swatting so much more fun (well, not for the flies, naturally).

po said...

Dash: hehe, you ever had a dead fly accessory on your face?

EEbEE: A WHAT? I have never heard of such a thing! Does it electrocute them? I have to get one.

Tamara: what is this witchcraft you speak of? I am faffing with fly papers and there is such a thing as an insect tazer? A racquet with which I can whack the flies?

Helen said...

oh yes! I've seen them on gadgetshop's website! It looks so cool! I want one!

po said...

Helen: hmm, well yes, I need one of them things quite urgently. Today I was trying to whack the flies in the air with the flypaper, but they all flew to the wall. So I smooshed the flypaper against the wall and now it is covered in fly splats.

Tomorrow I am definitely considering the vacuuum.

angel said...

OMFW... thats horrible! I'm so sorry!