I'm all angstified and confusified about my motives for blogging at the moment.
I used to do this for fun. For months and months I wrote every single day, without one reader apart from me. For some reason I had this verbal diarrhoea that came pouring out of me. Secretly I did wish someone else would read my blog and say "oh my god you are a genius why are you not ruling the world?" of course, but I was happy enough being my biggest and only fan.
Then somehow I found a reader or two, but I was still blogging for fun and still had loads of words to share.
And then I definitely grew a fragile but bloated blogging ego. My very existence came to depend upon having readers, and I believed that if I did not blog often then I would lose all my readers, and then I would collapse in a heap of readerless insecurities and die. I would lose all self worth and be an unseen blogger again. Why this bothered me so much I really don't know. I was cool being an unseen blogger before.
Anyhoo, this is all so very lame. I realise no-one gives a rats ass about this little dilemma I am having with my pathetic ego.
But I need to figure out what to do about it. The plus of forcing myself to write often is that, well, I wrote often. I have a feeling if I try to keep it pure and write only what I want when I want, and wait for inspiration to hit, then I will probably never write. Maybe I needed that internal deadline. I dunno.
But I have strayed from my blogging roots and am trying to please an audience with expectations that exist entirely in my own head. This has to stop. I have to keep reminding myself: nobody actually cares whether I blog or not. This is all for me in the end. If other people happen to enjoy it, then bonus for me.
Maybe I need a sabbatical. I definitely need to figure out how to write for me again, and to not care if I have fewer or no readers. I should be able to go a week without blogging and not panic, right?
We shall see. I will try blogging when I am hit by inspiration, and see how that goes. If I write nothing in the next three weeks then I know that I need a personal deadline to kick me in the butt.
P.S. I have decided to avoid Twitter for a while. I have a terribly addictive personality, and could not use the thing in moderation, and it was definitely getting distracting at work. So it has to be all or nothing for me. I keep getting this feeling that I am missing out on something awesome but again, this is the insecure ego speaking and I am doing my best to ignore the bastard.