Friday, 20 March 2009

And swallow.

This week I have achieved much. Let me break it down for you:

1) After catching BFG washing the dishes with the floor sponge five baboonmarmosetgorillajillion times and politely complaining, I was amazed when he took control. He has now labelled the floor sponge with permanent marker: "FLOOR". Why didn't I think of this before? I must remember to label the bathroom sponge "E.COLI MAKES ME SAD". Or something.

2) I tried one of those sport supplement protein shakes for the first time. And something terrible happened. I stopped feeling hungry. This basically negates my existence. I live to be hungry and think about eating and then eating and then complaining about being full and then getting hungry again.

All of a sudden I could think about other things, like how if I concentrate really hard, 1+1 can equal 3*. And about noo- I mean cookies.
And how come I am not hungry when it is clearly time for second breakfast, and maybe I am dying because no normal human being could surely feel this... satisfied? 

It threw me off kilter, I tell you.

3) The sun came out. This is due to me. I told certain people on the train (in my mind) that they could shove their stupid bags where the sun don't shine. So then due to sods law the sun came out and now there is nowhere where the sun don't shine. So their bags are in limbo. All over the train.

I am not really complaining about the sun coming out. This is all lies anyway. Except for  the part about "politely complaining". That is the Absolut Vodka truth. Prost.

Or as they say in Russian: "Moj praded govoril: "Ya imeyu zhelanie kupit' dom, no ne imeyu vozmozhnosti. Ya imeyu vozmozhnost' kupit' kozu, no ne imeyu zhelaniya". Tak davajte zhe vyp'em za to, chtoby nashi zhelaniya sovpadali s nashimi vozmozhnostyami!" **

And finally:

4) I attended a talk entitled "fungal sex." This was not referring to what happens when infections strike your nookie bits, yet you insist on spreading the love fun(gus) around.

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fungis do it. You would be AMAZED at what goes on in your average pile of horse dung. Some of these fungi stay in a state of copulation for years. You could be eating a finely matured cheese that is in the act of getting it on while still in your mouth.

I will leave you to chew on that thought.

And swallow.

*not that hard. Actually it is about a 50/50 chance that on any given day my mind will achieve this sum without much effort at all.

** This is a Russian toast that translates to: My grand-grandfather said: "I have a desire to buy a house, but I have no opportunity. I have an opportunity to buy a she-goat, but I have no desire". So, let's drink to having correspondence of our wishes and opportunities!" (from Vladivostok News).


acidicice said...

Wa ha ha ha. e.coli makes me sad too. Ew.

I like blue cheese. Now I will have thoughts of copulating blue cheese in my mouth. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

DT said...

That is the Absolut Vodka truth. Prost." Hahahaha! That is just hilarious!
Those shakes do sound a bit sad, I hope you give them up over the weekend!

Kitty Cat said...

I see you've got your blogging mojo back!!!! That was an hilarious post. Now, tell me about those sports protein shakes? Which ones? It actually leaves you feeling full? Wow.
Nice thought about the blue cheese - I always knew it smelled suspect for a reason.

LadyFi said...

Oh Po... now I'll be thinking of all those copulating spores when I eat cheese!! Cool! ;-)

Look - my sister tells me it is sizzling in the UK - 16 C no less.. Here we have built igloos and it went down to MINUS 10 C last night... I kid you not!! So, for goodness sake, do something about OUR weather...

po said...

ooh hi guys, no time to type now, will be back. Kitty, here is a link to the protein shakes:

They are mostly for athletes who need help recovering. But you do quite a lot of excercise right, and are pregnant so they could be good for you. Maybe you should ask your doc?

And yeah, they definitely reduce my appetite!

Helen said...

Oh my gosh, you make me laugh! I have nothing profound to say. except that now I'll be giggling when I hae to teach my first year students about fungus next month...

Being Brazen said...

you crack me up....:)

E.Coli makes me sad too

momcat said...

I hide my dirty sponges away. But I did catch my son trying to use my cloth for wiping the kitchen counters. He was trying to wipe up a coffee spill on the carpet. I told him no because counter and floor dont mix and he said but I always use it!!

po said...

Acidic ice: Ewewew? Did I totally ew you out :) ?

DT: I miss being hungry but they do make my body less painful and feel much better. Don't worry, I don't need an excuse to eat anyway!

LAdyfi: sizzling indeed. One day I EVEN took my jersey off outside. That is pretty impressive.

Helen: They need to know about the birds and the fungis!

BB: E.coli is actually mostly harmless, except for a few strains. It is only an indicator of poo. But actually, poo all over my bathroom makes me sad.

momcat: haha, that really is not that bad! Or maybe my standards have dropped to new lows after living with the BFG

Anonymous said...

lol at you last comment.... bwahahahahahaha... and swallow. well; my thoughts are that I've been eating copulating funi for years... why stop and think about it now?

6000 said...

E.coli was my Honours project. It makes me happy. Great bug.

As for your copulating fungi, I think that will only make me happier as I tuck into my festering (and indeed fucking) brie this weekend.

Sass said...

I'm just glad I can provide them with a nice room in which to get it on.

That made so much more sense in my head.

po said...

Paula: good point, you keep at it

6000: how come you did honours? Were you in Scotland?

Yeah I have fond memories of cloning random bits into them. They are so amenable.

Sass: warm and moist, perfect conditions :)

Miss T said...

floor cloth in sink makes me mad :)

I did a course on plant evolution once...why?...I don't know but the exciting thing about it was the sex life of fungi...truely it is weirdly fascinately!

Po it is SCORCHING here too. I think it may get to 15C...I'm going home to change into my bikini

po said...

Miss T: 15! No way, get outta here. Bikini it is. Except I no longer own one of them things. I will have to go nude.

I remember doing the fungal lifecycle in detail at school and uni. Actually far far less absorbing than I am trying to make it sound on this blog!

Rox said...

Oh Po, you really do make me giggle - great post indeed!

I used to drink protein shakes, helped a lot actually and there are even some yummy chocolate ones. Also, you can drink them with skim milk to make them taste better. :-)

And I'm still giggling at educated fungi doing it. Classic!

po said...

Rox: yeah mine is chocolate, yummy,a nd I use milk. They are so filling I may become popeye though!

Louisa said...

I can't believe you're not hungry anymore?!

po said...

Louisa: welll, Actually just less hungry :) I am still a pretty hungry person

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

It's always good to know that spores are having a better social life than me.

Excuse me, I think I'm going to go dunk a cheese wedge into a sink full of cleaning products.

po said...

irish chicken soup:hehehehe

No shame, I was exaggerating, enjoy your cheese safe in the knowledge that fungi.....

well, if you are happy eating fungi on cheese in the first place, I really don't think it makes much difference what state it is in ;)

Jeanne said...

"E.coli makes me sad" - ROTFLMAO!!!

And on the cheese topic, there are some crazy Italians that eat cheese with live maggots in it - the more maggots, the better the flavour. I am not making this up:

po said...

Jeanne: noooooo please say you are making it up. I can actually understand people eating maggots on their own. after all some people eat worms etc. But to destroy a delicious tasty cheese with maggots is just sacrilege and pretty grim too!

Tamara said...

Are you sure it's the shakes making you not hungry and not the thought of fornicating fungi in your food?

Hmmm... nice alliteration that was...

The problem with telling people to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, is that you usually actually mean "shove it up your ass". But these particular people tend to believe the sun shines out their ass. In other words, it's shining there. Sunshine, moonshine...

Sorry. Can you tell I'm on flu meds today?

po said...

Tamara: heehee

No I love cheese fornicating fungi don't bother me!