You know that expression "duck and cover"? Well, duck and cover! Batten down the hatches, man the gates, and ring the bells of doom! For this seamonkey is going shopping for a bikini. Don't be surprised if fish and mutant hamsters start falling from the sky.
I know that it should be illegal in most countries for someone so white to even consider baring her flesh in such a manner. The resulting reflection could well cause a laser beam-like flare that will blind us all and possibly implode the sun. But it is what fashion dictates, and we all know that fashion is stronger than sanity.
I frigging hate bikinis. I never wore one as a teenager. I was the epithet of uncool. I wore my school speedo. And anyway, I had all sorts of neuroses and though I was a beached whale when really I was not. I was an idiot basically.
As soon as I became a bit more reasonable I prostrated myself in front of all that is "normal" and "cool" and other things in inverted commas, and bought a bikini.
I soon realised what a monstrous invention they were. And that I was still an idiot for buying one. Your stomach freezes, they slide up or fall down and expose your boobs to the world at the slightest movement, they ride up your butt, and you can only look good in one if you are a mutant (human, not hamster).
I am built like a prepubescent boy, so as you can imagine, there is not much to see. And then there is the whiteness factor. People say it is because I live in the UK, but it is not. I have always been fluorescent. However this winter has been particularly long and dark, and I think my final molecules of colour have leaked away. I am now anti-colour.
But we are (if the visas work out) going to visit the BFG's parents in Easter. They live in Thailand, and we are all going to Vietnam together (dassiesdassiesdassies!!*). And I have to swim. And no one wears sensible one piece swimming costumes on holiday or in fact ever.
And I am a feeble sheeple seeking acceptance in this cruel world so I am trying to buy a freaking bikini even though this is cruelty to Thai and Vietnamese people and to me, and will cause widespread frying of retinas for them and general humiliation for me.
I tried every day last weekend but I chickened out each time. I mean, I don't want to have to see that white expanse of doom either thank you. And then there are those shop mirrors that make everyone look like a pot of cottage cheese. Shudder.
Really I just want a nice sensible Victorian bathing suit. And for the sake of life, the universe and everything, I think you probably agree. So long and thanks for all the fallen fish.
* this is a metaphor for excitement, not a metaphor for actual dassies. As far as I know, there are no dassies in Thailand or Vietnam, or are there? But there are elephants, which is close enough.**
** apparently dassies are the closest living relatives of elephants***
*** sounds like a clear case of DNA cross-contamination in my opinion****
**** they must have had a research assistant of a similar calibre to me in the lab *****
***** If you don't know about Biology you probably have no idea what I am going on about******
****** sorry about that*******