Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny harbinger-of-doom bikini.

You know that expression "duck and cover"? Well, duck and cover! Batten down the hatches, man the gates, and ring the bells of doom! For this seamonkey is going shopping for a bikini. Don't be surprised if fish and mutant hamsters start falling from the sky.

I know that it should be illegal in most countries for someone so white to even consider baring her flesh in such a manner. The resulting reflection could well cause a laser beam-like flare that will blind us all and possibly implode the sun. But it is what fashion dictates, and we all know that fashion is stronger than sanity.

I frigging hate bikinis. I never wore one as a teenager. I was the epithet of uncool. I wore my school speedo. And anyway, I had all sorts of neuroses and though I was a beached whale when really I was not. I was an idiot basically.

As soon as I became a bit more reasonable I prostrated myself in front of all that is "normal" and "cool" and other things in inverted commas, and bought a bikini.

I soon realised what a monstrous invention they were. And that I was still an idiot for buying one. Your stomach freezes, they slide up or fall down and expose your boobs to the world at the slightest movement, they ride up your butt, and you can only look good in one if you are a mutant (human, not hamster).

I am built like a prepubescent boy, so as you can imagine, there is not much to see. And then there is the whiteness factor. People say it is because I live in the UK, but it is not. I have always been fluorescent. However this winter has been particularly long and dark, and I think my final molecules of colour have leaked away. I am now anti-colour.

But we are (if the visas work out) going to visit the BFG's parents in Easter. They live in Thailand, and we are all going to Vietnam together (dassiesdassiesdassies!!*). And I have to swim. And no one wears sensible one piece swimming costumes on holiday or in fact ever. 

And I am a feeble sheeple seeking acceptance in this cruel world so I am trying to buy a freaking bikini even though this is cruelty to Thai and Vietnamese people and to me, and will cause widespread frying of retinas for them and general humiliation for me.

I tried every day last weekend but I chickened out each time. I mean, I don't want to have to see that white expanse of doom either thank you. And then there are those shop mirrors that make everyone look like a pot of cottage cheese. Shudder. 

Really I just want a nice sensible Victorian bathing suit. And for the sake of life, the universe and everything, I think you probably agree. So long and thanks for all the fallen fish.

* this is a metaphor for excitement, not a metaphor for actual dassies. As far as I know, there are no dassies in Thailand or Vietnam, or are there? But there are elephants, which is close enough.**

** apparently dassies are the closest living relatives of elephants***

*** sounds like a clear case of DNA cross-contamination in my opinion****

**** they must have had a research assistant of a similar calibre to me in the lab *****

***** If you don't know about Biology you probably have no idea what I am going on about******

****** sorry about that*******



Being Brazen said...

Well, actually people do wear one peices. Some very cool retro-ish one peices are out there and can look very cool on the right person (go look for some inspiration online)

I glow in the dark and I am also afraid of bikinis - but sometimes you just need to stop over thinking it and just "brave the bikini". Trust me, no one cares how white you are or how you look -its all in your head, dear Po.


Being Brazen said...

Ps - i think woman are too hard on themselves. Im sure you look great in any swim suit you decide to wear :)

BecauseIcan said...


"fish and mutant hamsters start falling from the sky"

You have me in tears.. you really are incredibly funny..

I still think your an idiot though for being neurotic since the "color pigment draining" incident of last winter.. who cares if you are white anyhooo?

Thats what fake tan is for.. besides most guys prefer the smooth milky complexion to the wrinkly bacon anyway..


The Spear said...

All things considered, I'm still very pro bikini!

LadyFi said...

I'm cracking up over here! You can never swim in a bikini because the waves whip off the top half and then the bottom half falls off if you jump in too hard!

A Muslim swimsuit is the only way to go!

6000 said...

I very rarely wear a bikini. I prefer to go topless.
Women should also go that way.

Kitty Cat said...

I agree with Brazen, nowdays you can get very stylish one-piece costumes, so if you really don't want a bikini, you don't have to put yourself through that. That being said, if you still get a bikini and are afraid of being too white, those caribbean spray tans work pretty well if you go to a good salon. I don't know how expensive they are, but over here they're not badly priced and last about a week - enough time for you to get some pigment back into your own skin. Hee hee, funny post by the way!

Ches said...

How about a photo diary of the experience?

Tay said...

Your post has me in hysterics! Mwaaaa haaa haa

Redframe aka Modelmental said...

In my experience Asian people love milky white skin so just be careful you don't go attracting too much loverly attention to your pale & interesting self! It's too cruel, we always want what we don't have, I love pale skin but my lightest shade after back-to-back UK/SA winters was a greeny yellow, nice. And one day, someone must explain to us why changing room light is so unflattering. Don't they WANT us to buy their products? Good luck, the force be with you!

Helen said...

I know dassies and elephants have very similar teeth.

i have one of those things where it's like a tank top and shorts and then I wear boardshorts as well... becomes an awkward tan, but I'm pretty lumo-white most of the time anyway so it's not too much of an issue

Tamara said...

Po, you are my blogging hero. Posts like this should be compulsory reading at school. Although not for biology.

I loathe bikinis and own a selection of trendy (well, in my opinion) full piece cozzies. But... I also own a selection of bikinis because hubby seems oblivious to the glow that emanates from my I-make-milk-look-dark skin and actually prefers me in them. Also, I stumbled upon a factory shop where I only paid R10 per Truworths bikini top, so my bargain-hunter instinct won over my concern for humankind and its eyesight.

You'll know when I'm wearing one of my bikinis - the dolphins start to disappear ;-)

As for dassies (dassies dassies dassies) and elephants, their familial relationship is apparent in their foot pads. Or so they say.

po said...

You guys are so cool, I am feeling better about this whole bikini fiasco already.

kateykates said...

you should wear the bikini, just because you can! Skin color doesn't matter.

Anonymous said...

Go with whatever makes you most comfortable - wouldn't want to spend your whole holiday feeling self-conscious. Also, the sun is NOT our friend... I learnt that the hard way (not sunburn) so I'm going to be rocking the pale from now on as well!

po said...

BB: these retro one piece idea is sounding very appealing. If I knew what looked retro that is!

because I can: but my stomach gets cold and... people always comment on my colour which drives me nuts.

The spear: which type do you life to wear? :)

Ladyfi: so that has happened to you too!? I love body surfing but I lose the clothing bits often.

6000: but you do wear skin tight Care Bear t-shirts?

Is Sharisse just for me? Or is it some kind Tweetdeck bug? Someone else, please click on 6000/Sharisse's profile on Tweetdeck mkay?

po said...

Kitty cat: hmm, spray tans. I think I object more to the feeling of walking around semi nude than what I look like. I guess I am just shy in the end!

Ches: Why, ches why? Do you want to die young?

Tay: what do you feel about bikinis?

redframe: greeny yellow? er that is interesting?! I tend to go more blue :)

Helen: I always wear boardshorts too! My butt region is not a pretty sight.

Tamara: milk, hee hee good one. R10? holy cow that is cheap that is less than £1! The ones here cost a fortune. And this year there are none out yet, except for three pink and floweries! I think they have delayed their spring lines or something.

kateykates: but yucky!

quartercenturycrisis: I am super careful because two of my aunts have had skin cancer and I have the moliest palest crappiest skin on this planet. Eeeeugh.

Dora said...

hahahah..."fluorescent"..."anti-colour" crack me up. :)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

I detest bikini shopping!! Aaaaaaargh!!! I feel your pain! Hope you found something uber hot that turns you into a Victoria Secret Model and if you DID...share the love ;-)

po said...

Dora: same to you!

Blondie:n hmmm, not yet, not yet, that would be a miracle. But will keep you informed if pigs actually fly :)

Dash said...

hahaha po! You're a dag. Just wear the thing and forget about it. Women really are neurotic. Even the most beautiful ones think that they are ugly. Wear the bikini and rock it...No one else will think twice if you don't.