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Wednesday, 4 March 2009

IT (not the clown).

Is this it? Seriously is this IT? Do not say yes. Please, lie to me.

I wake up at 6.30am, get home at 7pm, niggle the BFG, eat way too much, sleep, and get up and do it again. Why? I have no idea. Because that is what I do.

There are a few people out there who walk around as if they have found life's source code. They are the minority. The majority never find it or if they find it they cannot decode it and the tiny bits they can decode are not up to much.

People, I don't even know what "source code" means.  I am a mess. Although I feel the Afrikaans word is more descriptive. I am a gemors. Here is a diagram:



I am unravelled, see? 

You may say I have made many bad choices in my life which led to me feeling like this, and that I should take responsibility for those choices. Well, I say sod you and sod responsibility. I fart on responsibility. It is not my fault I was born incapable of making good decisions, huh, huh?

I am living a kind of lie, and it is not a bad one. I don't love my job but I definitely don't hate it. I was never made to be a scientist, and I have no desire to be a real one. I am happy to have a job, happy to coast along as an assistant forever. I have no scientific ambitions. Nada.  I need to pay the bills somehow. 

But I feel I need to keep up this act of enthusiasm that isn't there, otherwise, won't people think I am a failure? And it is exhausting.

And I cannot see how I could  have made my decisions differently. I have never known what I really wanted, what I was really good at. I have never had direction or drive. So I should shut up and swallow it.

But just for today I shirk all the shut up and bear it stuff, and say bollocks to that. For today and today only I believe in fate, and she is a bitch. 

That is all. 


If I ever get too tired of the lie, I can become an artist, right?

 Otherwise, "it's indie rock and roll for me".



*************




AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

Oh yes, quelling my self-directed rage for one minute. I was not going to mention this for obvious self-punting reasons.  But my arm got twisted slightly.  If you look to the right of this post, you may see a humungous dog tag. That leads to a nominations page for the South African blog awards. You don't have to be a South African to nominate someone, all you need in order to vote is an email address.

Of course I would love you to nominate me in every possible category, and in the rules it does say that South Africans not in SA can join in (I think?), so go ahead.

However I think the views of bloggers hactually in South Africa will be fairly obvious in this regard. Just follow the usual heated expat/inpat exchanges and you will catch my drift. 

I do feel a bit funny about it, me being an inbetweener expat who does not really belong in the SA blogosphere, so perhaps I should stick to the "best overseas South African blog" category. 

Instead you should vote for one of the other awesome blogs out there.

 Say... perhaps...   the hilarious 6000 miles from civilisation.  Whose blog I have been surreptitiously reading for about a year, and not so surreptitiously for the last few months. 6ooo will make you snort your coffee in through your nose and out again through every available orifice.

Or the equally hilarious Shebee from If these walls could talk. Her post about hijacking her own car is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Or the powerhouse Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills. Or the lovely and quirky Being Brazen. Or  the witty and raw Tamara from Doodles of a Journo. Or the ironic and highly "educational" Goblin Talk. To name but a  few.

I have  blog rolls and following lists that may reach the moon, full of blogs that I think are good. Actually I think the South African blogosphere is remarkably strong and full of good quality writing.

 Vote for someone and make a blogger's  day.


20 comments:

Being Brazen said...

*big hugs* feel better soon

Ps - thanks for the mention :)

LadyFi said...

Two posts in one - what value!!

Sounds to me like you're in a rut - or stuck in that hamster wheel of yours.

You need to do something different, or at least move nearer to work so that you don't spend all your time travelling to work and working there.

Failing that - become an artist or a hamster or both.

Goblin said...

Well now you need a "I campaign for 6k" badge ;)

Now the first half of your post is the interesting part though. You shouldn't let anyone let you feel like a failure but it is nice to know that we again share that much.

I really hope that you find your source code Po po :) Gives me an idea though...hmmm...*lightbulb*

mylifescape said...

Don't worry, sometimes we all have a bit of a glitch in the matrix and forget our source code - but you know what yours is... you just need to find it again!

:) have a super day, and be gentle on yourself!

6000 said...

Science can be fun, but I'd rather be in your position than mine. I've devoted my whole life to it and there's no way I could ever change, even if I wanted to.
At least you have the flexibility.
And the power of youth.
And the power of love.
A force from above.
Cleaning my soul.
(Make love... your goal).

Sorry - bit carried away there.

Also thanks for the kind words. (Every orifice??!!??)

Yeah - vote for me and I'll come hug you. Or not. Whichever you prefer.

Dash said...

think I know more South African bloggers than Australian ones. In act, online searches for Australian ones really have come up with nada. And your SA bloggirls events build on top of that again I think.

I would like to see the development of blog award criteria, so they're not just based on votes, and the final say 10 must be rated by all voters or something. So its not just a popularity contest.

Regarding you fate to plod along miserably, I think you could 'decide' to make a career out of writing? Or don't continue to live live through work,there's obviously other things that make you happy.

But today, just be happy to throw some of the shit back at the world

Dash said...

sorry, i stopped reading my comment when i got to 3 mistakes...please feel free to ignore

po said...

BB: don't worry about me, I was just mocking myself a nit :) actually it was supposed to be light hearted, but in retrospect it didn't come out that way.

Ladyfi: a rut of my own making I dare add. But How to become a hamster?

Goblin: Fisrt I need to find out what that means, right?

What is this idea?

mylifescape: My dear I look to you for inspiration and a gentle reminder to be more optimistic daily

6000: I do enjoy the flexibility I have as a result of not specialising. I can change field at least. And I don't hate it, not by a long stetch. It is like meditation for me.

Every orifice. True story. Mebbe.

Dash: I aint that miserablew seriously. I really aint. I just sometimes see the situation I created for myself and go, well that was not so amazing was it?

But it is fun to rage blindly sometimes.

The SA blogging community is so strong and tightly knit. And they all know eachother!

My quest to find English bloggers is very difficult in comparison.

Tamara said...

That song is playing on the radio... the one about being humans or hamsters. Damn you, Po.

But I did vote for you, as you know ;-)

sleepyjane said...

When people ask me "What do you want to do with your life" I want doe crawl away and die. Because I DON'T KNOW! *shrugs*

Paula said...

To be honest I shall vote and I shant say for whom. Takes away something... like if you took a photo on election day of what party you voted for. Totally defeats the purpose.

Anyway; I heard that they're fighting so that people who live overseas can vote in the upcoming SA elections and I wanted to ask you- would you vote if it became available to you there? (Don't say who for... again; defeats the purpose)

hmmm... what else did I wanna say.... what was your post about again? Oh oh yes. I know what you mean with not actually wanting to be a scientist. I actually only want to be a housewife that's why the work I've chosen is something I can do freelance (i.e. at home) I don't know... I never really wanted a career unless it was singing but even then behind the scenes. And what makes matters worse is that I'm really good at the things I have chosen to do (I'm working on my second degree... soon to become third; maybe next year) and I love learning and application; it's just being a wife and mom has always meant more... to me.

Have good one :)

Kitty Cat said...

I want to comment on the first part of your post. I have felt that way a trillion times. Directionless. Ambitious-lessness. I am a jack of all trades and master of few, or none. I am floating around too. But it's okay. Mostly, ALL of us feel like this. You're lucky you have some sort of "respectable" job for now, and for as long as you don't hate it, then just buy yourself time until something else grabs you.

Sass said...

Of course I'll click your tag.

heh heh.

po said...

Tamara: whaha I hope you sang the correct words. Thanks, you are so cool!

sleepyjane: I hear you. I never will know ever. I have come to terms with that. But you are still young. I bet people say that to you all the time :)

Paula: unfortunately we cannot vote but I would for sure. I have my reasons, b ut I also get why people don't like the idea.

Hmm, your situation is interesting. I don't want to be a housewife at all, cos I am crap at it. So I plod along, and don't shine but I do a good job, I think. When I am not on blogger or twitter :)

kitty cat: I totally hear you. I think many of us feel this way. The ones out there who know what they want seem so lucky to me. But I do appreciate the job and will hang on to it until I hit the jackpot for sure! I think most people do not find their vocation or their dream job. We survive!

Sass: why thank you! hehe

Lopz said...

I'm so with you on the whole "we're so busy surviving that we forget to really live" thing - although to be fair, you didn't state it quite as dramatically as I have!

My solution? Make a bucket list! It forces you to think about what you really want. I'll have my way one way or another ;-)

po said...

Lopz: I will. I really will. It seems like the best way for me to figure out what I really want and actually do something about it. I am going to try do it this weekend.

But as to publishing it, I feel like if I do that then if I fail then everyone will know! But maybe that will force me to go for it. Hmmm.

quartercenturycrisis said...

I think those that say they have found life's source code are lying... Experience has taught me that as soon as you think you have things all figured out, life turns around with a big "fuck you" to prove you wrong... So don't feel too bad, I don't have a clue what it's all about either!

po said...

quartercenturycrisis: Thank you! the more people who say they have no clue either the better I feel!

Irish Chicken Soup said...

Damn. I hate those days, the ones where you just realize that the only thought your brain can process is F@#$.

P.S. Should I be offended by the artist crack? I'm gonna go with no. To tired for offense and you're way too awesome. ;)

I hope you feel better and find what you're looking for.

po said...

irish chicken soup: no offence meant, I was mocking my attempt at a drawing!

I wish I could be an artist, but am lacking the vital ingredient that is talent.