This week I have achieved much. Let me break it down for you:
1) After catching BFG washing the dishes with the floor sponge five baboonmarmosetgorillajillion times and politely complaining, I was amazed when he took control. He has now labelled the floor sponge with permanent marker: "FLOOR". Why didn't I think of this before? I must remember to label the bathroom sponge "E.COLI MAKES ME SAD". Or something.
2) I tried one of those sport supplement protein shakes for the first time. And something terrible happened. I stopped feeling hungry. This basically negates my existence. I live to be hungry and think about eating and then eating and then complaining about being full and then getting hungry again.
All of a sudden I could think about other things, like how if I concentrate really hard, 1+1 can equal 3*. And about noo- I mean cookies.
And how come I am not hungry when it is clearly time for second breakfast, and maybe I am dying because no normal human being could surely feel this... satisfied?
It threw me off kilter, I tell you.
3) The sun came out. This is due to me. I told certain people on the train (in my mind) that they could shove their stupid bags where the sun don't shine. So then due to sods law the sun came out and now there is nowhere where the sun don't shine. So their bags are in limbo. All over the train.
I am not really complaining about the sun coming out. This is all lies anyway. Except for the part about "politely complaining". That is the Absolut Vodka truth. Prost.
Or as they say in Russian: "Moj praded govoril: "Ya imeyu zhelanie kupit' dom, no ne imeyu vozmozhnosti. Ya imeyu vozmozhnost' kupit' kozu, no ne imeyu zhelaniya". Tak davajte zhe vyp'em za to, chtoby nashi zhelaniya sovpadali s nashimi vozmozhnostyami!" **
And finally:
4) I attended a talk entitled "fungal sex." This was not referring to what happens when infections strike your nookie bits, yet you insist on spreading the love fun(gus) around.
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fungis do it. You would be AMAZED at what goes on in your average pile of horse dung. Some of these fungi stay in a state of copulation for years. You could be eating a finely matured cheese that is in the act of getting it on while still in your mouth.
I will leave you to chew on that thought.
And swallow.
*not that hard. Actually it is about a 50/50 chance that on any given day my mind will achieve this sum without much effort at all.
** This is a Russian toast that translates to: My grand-grandfather said: "I have a desire to buy a house, but I have no opportunity. I have an opportunity to buy a she-goat, but I have no desire". So, let's drink to having correspondence of our wishes and opportunities!" (from Vladivostok News).
