Wednesday, 3 February 2010


I am in quite a state at the moment. For some reason my body's reaction to work stress is more in line with what is usual when someone dies or some other tragedy happens. Which is ridiculous. I can't go into a catatonic state of depression so easily, I need to conserve my energy for when something really terrible happens, and in my experience that can happen at any time.

I just can't hack this daily torture of blank DNA gels. Sometimes I do hundreds of PCRs in a day, and every single day they just do not work. Where are the little white strips, seriously? Even after I corrected my idiotic mistake, things just are not working. I came back to work eager to shift the long To Do list, and here I am not able to begin. I can't take this constant failure. It is squishing me.

Then there are other things, other forms of torture going on at work that are just the limit for my small sense of self confidence. I shall write about them soon. They involve plant nookie. Dear God. Is that not what bees were invented for?

I am of no use to anyone in this state. I am too dejected and feeble. And just last week the BFG and I were scheming life plans. Now I feel too afraid to scheme life plans. Will my boss put up with this nothingness for much longer? I doubt he could fire me that quickly, there are probably laws against it, but at this rate I will be quitting soon. You can't make life plans about the future when you think you could be fired every day.

The only way I have not broken down into a puddle of tears is by mainlining music. Where would we be without music? Music has probably saved more suicidal people than any other thing. It is the only thing that can make me feel better.

My discovery of the week is Mumford and Sons, who are very successful in the UK. I was previously obsessed with some American boys from Vegas who try to imitate Brit pop and indie.
Now these Mumford guys are from London, but they are going for a full on hillbilly folk sound, replete with banjos and half-American accents. Who could not love a bunch of English banjo-boys?

Hooray for the banjo-boys, I think they may have saved my life this week.

Banjos aside, FUCK MY LIFE.


Cam said...

Po...I know how you feel!

Work sucks after holiday, really, sucks!

Hang in there.

LadyFi said...

Banjo boys - gotta check them out!

So sorry to hear about your life right now... remember that in the big scheme of things, this too shall pass...

Not much comfort - but it really is true.

DT said...

Noooo Po! I hate that expression FML. I have just recently gone through that – to be honest I am still trying to slowly pull myself out of the pit of failure I fell in at the start of this year. I hated it, I was constantly in shit and then kept stuffing up making it worse. I felt the size of my thumb. You just have to push through, grit your teeth and know that eventually you will get out the other side! Good luck darling Po! (It aint easy after a holiday – post holiday blues are a killer!)

Tamara said...

That sucks, Po. Stupid DNA. Here's hoping that things start to go right ASAP. Please keep listening to the bango boys if they help.

Helen said...

You can do it! tel those PCRs to do their frikken jobs!

Ever listened to Cage the Elephant? Awesome!

6000 said...

Yes, yes, yes. Mumford & Sons - lovely - a bit Levellers-like.

Re the PCR - have you tried Tippex? That always used to work for me. I created the great Oxford viral meningitis epidemic of 2001 using Tippex on PCR gels.

Seriously though - why not actually ask for help? Molecular biology is notoriously fickle. Everyone knows it's not a robust science. All you need is some dodgy primers or an extra salty reagent (stop giggling at the back!) and it won't work.

Chat to your boss - explain the problems and the steps you've taken to try and rememdy them.
Honesty. Best policy.

Anonymous said...

Heya Po.
I'm in my shittest mood ever (sorry if my languuage offends you) I'm literally more tumultuous in spirit than ever.
I crave my schedule and just getting on with everything. I really wanna stick it to the man somehow.
Crumbs I'm in a kak mood.
If its any comfort I would have gotten the DNA thing wrong too :P

po said...

hello people thanks for all the kind words. There has been no change, arrrgh, I am losing my mind here.

Cam: I dunno, I was totally psyched, which is the tragic part. Now I just want to die or cry or go home.

Ladyfi: it is comforting actually, to think back that this same shit happened last year and I survived, although it was not quite this severe... oops shouldn't have thought of that.

DT: oooh no I never realised you felt that bad! I feel about the size of my pinkie.So I can relate.

Tamara: Thanks hey. can I join you in a burger flipping job? We can write novels together in our lunch breaks.

helen: my pcr reagents have gone renegade, iether that or I have realllllly pissed of the biology goddess. what a beeeyatch she is.

6000: tippex, frik what an amazing idea, I never realised it showed up under UV! hehe not. Actually I admitted defeat to my boss some time last week and we are in the slow and humiliating process of figuring out why I am so crap. So far no good news, just blankness and me feeling really bad.

Paula: I am all for bad language. Have you seen 500 days of Summer? Maybe if we shout PENIS really loudly, we will feel better?

Champagne Heathen said...

Fkc Po. All the best. I have no words of support, but I'm supporting you anyway. Follow all that advice above... from asking someone higher up for help to even getting back into the after-work hobby swing of things. Ooo maybe I do advice... its not my own, but what people have been saying to me for the past 6 months... build your confidence outside of work... get back to that poetry class, or some other hobby that'll boost you & remind you that you are intelligent, and good at what you set out to do and all and all... And, from me, yoga always helped everybody! For calmness, self love, and killer tone!

As for bands... Try VAMPIRE WEEKEND and CAT EMPIRE. 1st is a New York band. The other is Melbourne's hot property band.

Damaria Senne said...

Aw, sorry the stupid DNA is not cooperating. But surely the bosses realise experimental stuff do what they do until you find a winning combination to get the results you want?

As others have said, this too shall pass. (((((hugs)))))

po said...

Champs: that is great advice actually, but hard when I am feeling bleh and just want to curl up in bed. But I think it is always good to have a good life outside of work to help you forget!

Damaria: the madness of experiments is trying to figure out logical reasons for why something is not working, when quite frankly experiments run on witchcraft and not logic!

Dora said...

Ah! What a coincidence! I've recently discovered Mumford and Sons as well! Nasty thinks I'm silly for liking them, but now I don't feel so silly anymore! :)

Ray M.J said...

I still didn't understand your problem ?
can you simplify your problem more
I think I can hel
if the problem that you can't really contorol your self :/