Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Crying without tears

I know I am not the only person who suffers from tear duct constipation, it is surely a symptom of emotionally repressed people everywhere. Anyone else with a complete inability to cry?

Firstly I am one of those people for whom crying is a trauma. If I cry in front of someone else, anyone else, I feel like I am dying. Don't know why. So I don't do it. Also I can't even really cry alone. It seems to cause me pain even then. If it does happen it is more like I am being torn apart for a few seconds and then no more tears come. This happens about once a year.

It is quite inconvenient. There are many occasions that call for tears, as a kind of pressure release, and it makes you feel much better afterwards. If you let them build up and up.. well I think there lies the path to nervous breakdowns and stuff.

This all stems back to the wars between me and my father years ago. I realised that when he was angry at me, I vindicated him by crying. So I forced myself to stop crying, no matter what physical or verbal punishment was being metered out upon me. It was hard because I was scared but eventually I succeeded. And it enraged my Dad, who couldn't seem to figure out why his punishments weren't working any more. Score! Ok the punishments became worse, but I scored a psychological point.

Yeah I was quite a brat.

Anyway I can't cry no more. The apparatus she ees broken. Except when people die, then I can cry.

Please, no one die, I don't want to cry that badly.

But even when terrible terrible things happen, if no one dies, then I can't cry. I don't think this is healthy, it leads to this build up of emotional tension and sometimes I think I could explode.

My driving test is in 5 weeks and I feel like I should cry about this at some point, or at least vomit (although I have vomit constipation too, a whole other issue) because it makes me feel sick just to think about it. But obviously this isn't going to happen. If I can't cry at terrible things, I am hardly going to cry for something as menial as a driving test. But man it would feel so good.

So I am hoping that someone for whom the eye juices flow freely will donate me one or two tears, not too many, just so I don't feel so scared and crap. Any offers?

Just shed a little tear for me,
forever and ever you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you,
forever and ever, we never will part..

Ok how disgusting is it that I would actually wish for someone to cry? I don't mean it. Don't cry for me (Argentina), this driving test will have to be performed with dread in my heart and dry eyes.

Are there such things as crying lessons?


Cam said...

I cried in Jock of the Bushveld! Seriously!

Helen said...

I can't watch Jock of the Bushveld, it makes me cry... Or it did when I was 8. I'm too scared to try again!

I'm similarly tear-less, unless it's in animal movies. It's quite annying sometimes when you just need a good cry! Which for me is about two and a half tears...

po said...

When I was about 5 I bawled watching Herbie, if that counts. There was something about the abandoned car...

I must be a freak.

Tamara said...

I cry when I'm really angry. Or watching animal movies. Or reading a sad book. Or listening to Danny K or chopping onions (all tears of pain). I can donate you some tears anytime.

It must be hard not to cry. If you can find a very solitary spot, screaming can work too. Actyually, if you srceam loudly enough, any spot has the potential to become solitary.

DT said...

Thats tough Po - I do feel better after a good cry... strange thing is it seems to get worse with age - I had a sad thought the other night and found myself howling on the couch for hours!
I hope you have a good cry soon - not that I hope you get sad - I hope that you start wailing from pure happiness! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Are you kidding! A driving test definitely warrants a cry & freak out! I still remember the stress of mine & it has been 10 years!

oh. maybe I shouldn't stress you out more about the test. ...uhhh...
But just embrace the stress. And GOOD LUCK for it!

As for other tears. I was the same once. Then I started crying. And now I can feel that knot in my throat during sad ads. It is very bizarre.

I hope you can cry soon. I guess, maybe in order to be able to cry when you are feeling vulnerable, you maybe have to now unlearn everything you taught yourself to make you stop crying then.

Louisa said...

I can bawl for almost no reason at all...but I'd like to thank hormones for this. On my next batch of tears I'll dedicate a few for whatever purpose you have in mind Po.

Kirsty said...

I don't just cry, I weep. Especially at certain times of the month. The other day I cried in the class I was helping to supervise when the teacher started talking about the Civil Rights Movement! (Quite embarassing as I had to give up scribing for the child I was supposed to be helping!)

Shannon said...

I stopped crying when I was 4 and I got knocked over by a soccer ball and my dad picked me up, stood me on my feet, and said "Come on, Ace, tough kids don't cry." And I didn't cry for, oh, 25 years. Maybe I cried 2-3 times in that period, but the way you described: a few wrenching sobs and then I was too tired for anything more.

Then I had a horrible, horrible breakup.

And this is where I suggest that if you have not cried for a while, best continue on that path. Because let the dam open and it may not stop.

I cried inadvertently and constantly for days. I took to wearing sunglasses in the house (I was crashing at my parents' for a few days) and my little sister started calling me Ray Charles. Also she has given me a pair of sunglasses as part of every birthday/Christmas gift since then, because we are sensitive that way. Then I just cried every night. For four months. At some point I sensed vaguely that I wasn't crying about the breakup anymore, it was all the stuff that hadn't been cried about for all that time.

It was exhausting. Don't cry if you can help it.

cybersass said...

you know, i also spent a very long time dry-eyed, but i had to learn to cry for my character on the soap and i finally learnt to cry for myself too.
most cathartic.

po said...

Thanks for all the tips and offers of tears people, youa re so kind. One day, one day I will learn to cry. I have a dream.

EEbEE said...

Don't worry about your lack of tears. for guys, crying is blackmail. the less you cry the more respect we have or you.

...or you could always cheat and chop up some onions while watching Mufasa dieing in the Lion King.

Propoquerian said...

I've always considered crying to be an admittance that there is nothing left to do to make things better--that I have given up. that all is lost. I realize, it doesn't necessarily mean that--but have you noticed that others treat you like it means that when you cry? Like very fragile afterwards....if i call my mother crying about something (a break up, a bad interview) she will call me every morning for weeks if to check on how my new mode of life is going. as if everything must have been given up and now i must choose a new path because i cried.