Thursday, 24 September 2009

Dear Universe

A few quick questions:

1) Why roundabouts? For a start, when I first heard traffic circles called by that silly name, I couldn't figure out why you would put a kids' spinning ride in the middle of the road.

And now they torment me. The UK is covered in roundabouts. I understand intellectually why they are useful, but try being intellectual when you are terrified out of your wits in a moving object you can barely steer, trying to get the guts to zip in before some car rides up your ass. EEP.

Never mind indicating and all that other crap you are supposed to do with your left toe, which seems to be the only appendage not wrestling with other bits of the car.

I long for the traffic lights that dominate SA. Although apparently in SA there are these things called four way stops which are a bastard (or so my Irish friend tells me). This is news to me. I had not the faintest clue what a four way stop was, in fact I think I denied to him that they even existed.

Come to think of it, traffic circles could greatly reduce hijackings and smash and grabs in SA.

Whatever. Driving sucks like electrolux. But I'm sticking with it until I a) get my licence or b) die in the process. Please note, universe, option a) is my first choice.

2) why a chronic eye infection? A mere eye infection I could deal with. But one that lasts (according to the doc) months or even years? Why?? Months or even years of pussy, itching, crusty eyes? At least I pussed it onto BFG, so we can share love-pus. Hmmm, gooey.

Oh, and I have a cold. The mucous just mixes with the pus in an interesting gloop all over my face. I wonder if it is good for the skin? Because I am producing industrial quantities of the stuff.

3) why is my back not healed now? This bullshit started in 2006. Please universe, let me off on good behaviour? This pain is getting a little old. And so am I. I need my back back. Back.

My chiropractor is loving it I'm sure.

I am starting to think I have pissed (pussed? I am from Durban after all) you off or something, O universe.

But then:

- all my experiments worked yesterday
- they have started asking people to take their bags off seats in trains so we can find seats now,
-and I had pizza for breakfast.

Universe you are sending me mixed signals here. I am confused.

I think you must be a Virgo.


hester said...

Roundabouts suck me in and I keep going round and round about until the gods are gracious enough to spit me out again.

Good thing I sold my car this summer.

LadyFi said...

Ha ha ha! Pizza for breakfast? Then things must be OK.. in spite of the pus...

Anonymous said...

Ah I laughed so much at this post! I hope your eye gets better soon, doesn't sound like much fun at all!

po said...

hester: that happens to me and the BFG too when we have no idea where we are going! Pretty useful but you get kind of dizzy.

LAdyfi: pizza is the best kind of breakfast. And the weather has been awesome! Things are ok in spite of the pus.

qcc: thanks, but according to the doc the infection is here to stay. I am keeping the eyewash industry in business :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Not so sure about round abouts... Welkom has enough of them... but the rest of South Africa enjoys having traffic circles in all of suburbia. An South Africans' reactions to them... to just drive right over them!

6000 said...

So, you take the P about us calling "traffic circles" "roundabouts", but you happily refer to traffic lights as "robots".

Go figure.

P.S. Don't ever think that learning to drive in the UK will (in any way) prepare you for driving in SA. Different rules apply. They drive on the other side of the road, for starters.

po said...

Champagne heathen: haha tempting, sometimes they have these teeny tiny circles that I can't see and then I do!

6000: er... um... you may have a point there.

Ja I m aware that driving in SA is somewhat different, seeing as both sides of the road are considered fair game, as well as the pavement... going backwards is also fairly common!

sarah said...

oh po!

sounds like the universe is being a bit of a bitch. just bitch slap him back!

ahahaha- the other day i got asked what a smash and grab was by one of my soccer kids - he was researching SA for the world cup. when i told him, his eyes got bigger and bigger and more and more shocked. i think i blew his mind

Anonymous said...

wahahahahahahaha! I loved this post.

I'm starting to learn to drive... I don't get fourway stop either. I mean either I go first or no one goes at all. LOL. I'm a diva on the road as well.

po said...

Sarah: hehe the poor kid, must be nice to be so safe that a smash and grab could shock you!

Paula: arrrgh do you enjoy your driving lessons? I hate them. You are so lucky there are not so many circles in sa though.

Anonymous said...

I like that I'm learning fast... and get a kind of thrill when the driving instructor comes into the car with a scared look on his face. LOL. :P You? Besides the circles...?

po said...

Paula I am HATING it. I have my lessons at 7pm after I stumble off the train from work. I am so tired and just want to chill but have to concentrate on driving. Bleeeegh! But everyone says after a while they love driving, so I am hoping that is going to kick in soon!

SA Expats said...


Tamara said...

You do realise that when I read your bit about having a pus-filled eye, I read "pussy" with it's OTHER pronunciation? I was a bit confused for awhile.

I hated driving while I was doing lessons (at least you don't have the K53 method there). It was only after I'd been driving on my own for a few months that I became comfortable and enjoyed it. Now I can hardly remember life pre-driving.

EEbEE said...

I have the most awful image of you in my head.

Also i just thought of a cool name for mucus and puss mixed together...

wait for it

"Pewkuss" (although it would be better if you vomited on your face to add to the mix...)

po said...

Tamara: sis! Me with a pussy face, ok that is beyond disturbing ahahahahahahaha ew. Makes South Park's Ass face people seem tame.

What is the K53 method? It rings some kind of faint bell...

EEbEE eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuw, what about mupuss? Yummy.