Thursday, 17 September 2009

Criminal foodstuffs

One of the original ideas I had for this blog was to record all the bizarre things that have happened to me. I don't think I have a particularly fascinating life, but some friends at university were always saying I should write a book called "The life of_ "(<== insert Po's real name here) because basically I am a freak who does freakish things.

I think mostly they were referring to the fact that I would buy coffee every single day and almost every time I would drop it while trying to carry files and books and open the door to our building. I bet there are permanent coffee stains in those hallowed halls with my name on them. My life was on action replay.

But I think that would make for boring reading.

However some other weird stuff has happened to me. Like for instance, I have been a victim of CRIME. Yes, me. A South African. But not just any crime. Special crime.

Wait for it...

I was samped.

This adventure happens in Cape Town. The story actually makes me feel very guilty, and you shall see why.

A friend known as Mango and I were walking from Mowbray* to somewhere near Groote Schuur Hospital to visit someone. While we were walking a group of girls passed us. They were eating a delicious meal of piping hot takeaway samp**.

As they passed, I thought that one of the girls said something to me. I didn't hear what she said, but in my sad little brain, I thought she might be asking for money, as this happened to me frequently in the Mowbray area. I was not sure, but just in case, I shook my head ever so slightly and mouthed no, and we walked on.

The next thing I knew, we were samped and the girls marched off.

When I say we, I should probably add that almost the entire quantity of hot samp covered my friend. I had a few mild splats on my shoe and clothes but Mango was coated in samp. It looked like some drunk had puked all over her.

We were in shock, trying to work out exactly what had happened. I really was not sure if my slight shake of the head to an imaginary request for money had triggered samp falling from the sky, but if there was a trigger then that must have been it. The fact that none of the vengeful samp was actually on me caused me much mirth and Mango some consternation. She did not enjoy the experience, I can tell you.

We walked the rest of the way all sampy and gross and a startled jogger freaked out at what he thought was a puke-covered girl, which caused Mango to lose it a bit and tell the jogger off. Other passersbye had similar reactions. I was in hysterics for most of the way.

Waste of good samp, in my opinion.

I know my assumption that the samper was asking me for money was just terrible. It was my immediate reaction when anyone I did not know ever spoke to me on the streets, because it often happened. I assume the girl and her friends were just eating and passing by and said something (who knows what) and I misunderstood. I feel bad. Talk about assumptions being the mother of all samp-ups. I hate assumptions. They are evil. And I was a prime suspect.

But it was fucking funny.

*mediumly dodgy area of Cape Town, also where my free Willy encounter occurred.

** a degermed product of maize. Apparently.


Ches said...

Ok so those girls thru samp on your friend? Why? Was it O-week at UCT?

momcat said...

That seriously just rude. Whatever she thought that shake of your head meant was not cause to throw food at a stranger. How you steer clear of that area from now on if you are in Cape Town again. Sorry that happened to your friend - she must have been embarrassed.

Kirsty said...

Oh God. I haven't laughed that much in a while. Nothing like a good samping!

LadyFi said...

Just goes to show that we shouldn't judge others from previous experience... darn hard to do though!

Anonymous said...

That is hilarious. And I could just imagine how gross that must have looked. To be honest though, I can't understand why someone would choose to buy take away samp, I can't stand the stuff!

Did the girl look a bit like a bergie? Because I think if someone had to think I was begging for money I'd also be pretty pissed...

po said...

Ches: no not O week, just some girls on the street, eating and pissed off at us! Mostly likely because of me.

momcat: it was rude. but then, me thinkin she was begging was pretty insulting, if she was not. Oops.

Kirsty: I laughed my head off last night just thinking about it. It was sooo much sweeter because I was hardly samped though, mwaha.

Ladyfi: I know! My response was almost kneejerk and halfhearted but still. :(

qcc: they were a bunch of young girls. I had encountered a few young prostitutes in the past, so maybe I thought these girls were them, and thought they were approaching me for money. Imagine being mistaken for a prostitute, no wonder she samped us! Even if she was one, I don't blame her for getting rid of her samp cos I don't like it much either!

6000 said...

I did some detective work and found the group of girls in question.
Apparently, she asked you, "Would you like me to not throw samp all over your friend?".
Note the negative in the question there - a common tick used by sampers.
In shaking your head, you basically gave her permission to carry out the samping.

Momcat - There's no point in avoiding Mowbray (unless you happen to be Brandon Huntley). These viscious samping gangs roam all over the Mother City now, terrorising pedestrians and motorists alike.
Our streets are a veritable river of samp, 24/7.

It's that bad.

po said...

6000: thank you for solving the eternal samping mystery. Damn her for her complicated word games.

Seeing as I lived in Mowbray, avoidance of the samping gangs was pretty futile.

Helen said...

At least it wasn't soup-day!

And that poor jogger...

You make me laugh!

po said...

Helen: gawsh you have a good point there. That would have been an ouchy!

Tamara said...

I actually quite like samp. Not all over me though.

Honestly, I think the universe send these things your way so we can read about them on your blog ;-)

po said...

Tamara: samp is ok, I can eat it but I don't love it. It does have the ability to look like puke when splattered all over someone though :)

I hope the universe keeps throwing weird things my way cos they make me laugh, I was thinking that not so many weird things happen to me in the UK, but then I remembered the arsonist on my stoep and realised that the weirdness is definitely here too.

SonnyVsDan said...

i am still completely clueless as to what samp might be...

EEbEE said...

I can imagine the headlines the next day. "Samping claims yet Another innocent victim"

It's a cruel world...truely

po said...

sonnyvsdan: I admit that a "degermed product of maize" does sound cryptic. Hmmm, how to describe samp, when you cook it it becomes all mushy... it is a maize product... someone please help me here!

Apparently Americans call it hominy?

EEbEE: you're telling me! Gotta keep an eye out for those samping gangs, wasting good food on someone like me. I just wish people would throw their chips at me instead.