Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Just a wash, a trim and some aphid spray please.

I have been fairly secretive about my work on this blog, but I feel it is time that I came clean. It is time you know the truth. I claim to be a scientist, I claim to work with plants. Both claims are mostly true.

But what I failed to mention is that a large portion of my time each month is taken up by hairdressing. I am essentially a plant hairstylist.

I bet you thought there was a certain lack of demand for such a service right?

So so wrong.

You see, often we grow these weeds in big clumps and they grow fast and spindly and wild. And the result is one big tangled mass. It looks a bit like this (see unhappy plant with dry, tangled, er, stems)

So I have to tease out the stems/strands, smooth them (wipe off any outside invading seeds), detangle, straighten, and then separate the mass into two neat equal clumps. Then it is time to style. I form a neat bun, tie it off and voila, the plant afro is neatly tamed. Like this (see happy stylish plant. You're worth it):

Maybe the bun is a bit formal. Can anyone come up with better ideas for weed styles? I am thinking plaits could work well. Or a simple twist...

What can I say? There are some weird jobs out there. I happen to be the most useless excuse of a female who cannot manage to straighten her own hair without mishap, but I somehow ended up in charge of the plants' unruly manes.

Ok, often I pull whole clumps out (oooooops) by the roots. But if you just kind of poke them back into the soil, it looks like they are still attached, and erm no one shall know the difference. Except the weed who will now die a miserable and lonely death by dehydration. Of course.

So if your weeds ever need my services, a bit of a wash and a trim, or a neat style to impress the neighbours, you just let me know.

And if you could tell me how to get my hair straighteners to stop biting my ears, that would be much appreciated. The sizzle noise is getting to me.


Ches said...


That is an interesting job, the 'you're worth it' comment, ha ha.

Tell me, are you're weeds ever smoked? :)

Helen said...

Sounds like fun! Maybe take your GHD to work and see if curls work?

you have my respect, I'm not even allowed to look at the plants in the lab because they tend to freak out and die (Norbert being tougher than most and still going).

How does plant-stylist link in with al the lab tests though? Plant shampoo measurements?

EEbEE said...

you're a girl?

i had no idea... i think the 'bottles of beer on the wall' thing fooled me.

6000 said...

What is this sudden urge amongst SA female bloggers to say "viola" instead of "voila"?
Not a big difference in spelling, admittedly, but, well, you know...

Combing plant hair is obviously essential to the high-powered work in Botany at Oxford, other wise you wouldn't be doing it.

po said...

ches: haha noooo! Not that kind of weed. I can only wish...

Helen: curl my plants, hmm, it may induce protein denaturation and general heat stress, but could work!

I just have to wipe off foreign seed and bag up the stems to catch the seeds. But it really does feel like hairdressing after I have detangled the mop and tied it all up in the bun.

EEbEE: see, I am such a rubbish excuse for a female you didn't even know I was one!

6000: oops, spelling error. I doubt it has anything to do with me being a Saffa, more likely cos I am too lazy to proofread well these days. I spose you could argue all Saffas are lazy?!

It is very important indeed, I tell myself whilst standing there amongst the flies feeling silly.

Tamara said...

The trick to getting your straightener to stop biting you is to stop provoking it. Try singing a lullaby.

I'm sure the BFG will enjoy the spectacle of you crooning away while straightening your hair, punctuated with violent outbursts if it bites you ;-)

Louisa said...

Don't unleash your straightener on yourself if it's hungry - feed it someone else's ear first.

Maybe next season for the plants you can do some layers and ad a few streaks of brilliant colour? ;-)

po said...

Tamara: sing to my straighteners! But you have not heard my voice, I feel that they will bite me out of horror if they hear my voice! hehe.

Louisa: what a freaking brilliant idea! I shall feed the bfg's ear to my straighteners next time.

I think some colour highlights would be way cool, I can have a few blondes and a few brunettes, although this year it seems green is in fashion...

LadyFi said...

Wow - and you have to be a scientist to style plant hair? Amazing!

I'll be awaiting your bestseller: The Secret Hair of Plants!

sarah said...

i cannot tell you how much i just canned myself

this post is freaking awesome

po said...

ladyfi: you do, you do, you have to study four years for that shit, it is serious stuff, you gotta know what goes on at a mole-ek-yew-lar level before you can even touch it :)

sarah: heehee thanks, it does amuse me which is cool , cos otherwise it is just a bit back breaking and boring. We can't all have jobs with desks of awesomeness like yours!