On Straightening Hair

Does an inability to operate hair straighteners disqualify you from the female race?

When acquiring mine, I subjected myself to the accompanying dvd, on account of I had no idea what to do.

The lady doing the voice-over in a nondescript English accent informed me forty four thousand, nine hundred and eighty three times, that "any steam you see is evaporation of the hair product".

This lady failed to warn me of the Wimpy-sizzle noise made each time I ran the things through my hair after application of said hair product. Can such a noise be normal? It sounds like my hair is being deep fried.

The lady also did not mention that I could scorch my ear into a swollen pink lump of pain.

She did not mention the possibility that exactly one minute after beginning the straightening process I could become so bored that I would lose the will to live.

The lady also did not mention the weird kinks that I found ironed into my hair from wrapping the hair round the edges of the clamp things.

I was unable to get those funny clips they give you to work, ie to keep hair clipped out of the way. I was unable to separate my hair into neat strands. When attempting to do this, bits of hair from all over my head scrambled to join in, and the result was a tangled, matted (fairly straight), randomly kinked knot-mess. I resorted out of impatience to dragging the things randomly through my hair, comb style. It worked, in a fashion (not a very fashionable fashion though).

I suspect that the reason I was unable to get my hair to do anything that I wanted was because it has had a lifetime of doing whatever the hell it wanted instead.

Perhaps I can use them straighteners to make tiny oblong toasted cheese?