What follows is a guaranteed pukefest. I have been thinking about my relationship a lot lately, mostly because I have had a major bout of feeble insecurity that I am ashamed of. But it is over now. I hope.
I have a secret tweet friend who regularly makes me giggle out loud like an idiot at work. Well, he is not an actual twit, because he refuses to sign up, and good for him, because it is a time vacuum and no mistake.
But he writes me these hysterical tweet-long messages via email a few times a day. The secret tweeter is none other than my very own BFG.
I know that no one else would laugh at his tweety mails quite in the same way as me. There are things that we share that no one else could ever get; a common base of weirdness and silliness. We have words for things that only we can understand and long standing personal jokes and silly names for each other, and all those other things that make non-coupular (but not necessarily non-copular, you naughty people) folk want to hurl. And me too, when it is not me involved.
I can make no excuses for the mushiness that we indulge in, even if I would want to puke if I was observing the same in someone else. It is just what happens as a relationship morphs with time.
And we have had quite some time. We have been together nearly 9 years now (freakatastic rice that is nearly a third of my life). I think we do manage to be our individual separate selves. We have no problem doing stuff separately, in fact every weekend he goes off climbing without me. He went to Antarctica for nearly two years.
But we are also a Po-BFG organism, and I am no longer completely me without him. That is a really scary thing to admit, but there comes a point when you have to acknowledge this and come to terms with it. Without him I would no longer be whole, and in fact I really can’t see the point of life without him at all.
That level of dependance and co-mingling seems inadvisable, but it is too late for me to back down now. I need the BFG. I need for us to get grumpy and tetchy and passive aggressive with each other as only we know how; I need our long pointless arguments and I need our mutual cruelty. I need his sweetness, the way he knows and understands me like no other person on earth, the way he is a companion like no other, his whacky sense of humour, and all the sharedness that makes us the weird and intuitive fusion that we are. I would be left bereft without him.
And while I shall pass you a bucket so that you can commence the pukefest, I dare you to fall so far that there is no way to turn back. And I dare you to admit to it without shame when it happens to you too.
As far as I can see, right now I have nothing to lose except everything, and that is the only thing worth losing.