IT (not the clown).

Is this it? Seriously is this IT? Do not say yes. Please, lie to me.

I wake up at 6.30am, get home at 7pm, niggle the BFG, eat way too much, sleep, and get up and do it again. Why? I have no idea. Because that is what I do.

There are a few people out there who walk around as if they have found life's source code. They are the minority. The majority never find it or if they find it they cannot decode it and the tiny bits they can decode are not up to much.

People, I don't even know what "source code" means.  I am a mess. Although I feel the Afrikaans word is more descriptive. I am a gemors. Here is a diagram:

I am unravelled, see? 

You may say I have made many bad choices in my life which led to me feeling like this, and that I should take responsibility for those choices. Well, I say sod you and sod responsibility. I fart on responsibility. It is not my fault I was born incapable of making good decisions, huh, huh?

I am living a kind of lie, and it is not a bad one. I don't love my job but I definitely don't hate it. I was never made to be a scientist, and I have no desire to be a real one. I am happy to have a job, happy to coast along as an assistant forever. I have no scientific ambitions. Nada.  I need to pay the bills somehow. 

But I feel I need to keep up this act of enthusiasm that isn't there, otherwise, won't people think I am a failure? And it is exhausting.

And I cannot see how I could  have made my decisions differently. I have never known what I really wanted, what I was really good at. I have never had direction or drive. So I should shut up and swallow it.

But just for today I shirk all the shut up and bear it stuff, and say bollocks to that. For today and today only I believe in fate, and she is a bitch. 

That is all. 

If I ever get too tired of the lie, I can become an artist, right?

 Otherwise, "it's indie rock and roll for me".

*************

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

Oh yes, quelling my self-directed rage for one minute. I was not going to mention this for obvious self-punting reasons.  But my arm got twisted slightly.  If you look to the right of this post, you may see a humungous dog tag. That leads to a nominations page for the South African blog awards. You don't have to be a South African to nominate someone, all you need in order to vote is an email address.

Of course I would love you to nominate me in every possible category, and in the rules it does say that South Africans not in SA can join in (I think?), so go ahead.

However I think the views of bloggers hactually in South Africa will be fairly obvious in this regard. Just follow the usual heated expat/inpat exchanges and you will catch my drift. 

I do feel a bit funny about it, me being an inbetweener expat who does not really belong in the SA blogosphere, so perhaps I should stick to the "best overseas South African blog" category. 

Instead you should vote for one of the other awesome blogs out there.

 Say... perhaps...   the hilarious 6000 miles from civilisation.  Whose blog I have been surreptitiously reading for about a year, and not so surreptitiously for the last few months. 6ooo will make you snort your coffee in through your nose and out again through every available orifice.

Or the equally hilarious Shebee from If these walls could talk. Her post about hijacking her own car is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Or the powerhouse Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills. Or the lovely and quirky Being Brazen. Or  the witty and raw Tamara from Doodles of a Journo. Or the ironic and highly "educational" Goblin Talk. To name but a  few.

I have  blog rolls and following lists that may reach the moon, full of blogs that I think are good. Actually I think the South African blogosphere is remarkably strong and full of good quality writing.

 Vote for someone and make a blogger's  day.