Getting your five a day

Judging by the number of hits I have had for my post about the naked statue in Oxford, and the searches leading unwitting googlers to me, there is a large demand for naked men, and naked South African men in particular on the internet.

Who would have thought? I can only assume they made a typing error when trying to search for naked South African molerat. Easy mistake.

Sexy! Take it off, oops you already have.

Too bad these people who yearn for a fine slab of boerewors are sent to the blog of an insane mutant seamonkey who waffles on about fly infestations and paying £75(!!!).


Mwahaha. No naked South African men here. It may surprise you, but down on the tip of Africa, they can AFFORD CLOTHES; you know, those things that cover up the meat and two veg in civilised places.

Is there some kind of world wide clothing shortage going on? Did I miss the memo?

sinful confessions

I got involved in a "discussion" about AIDS the other day on an online forum. On this forum I was instructed by one irate commenter to "apologise to South Africa" for my stance on AIDS, ie. that the HI virus causes the immuno-deficiency syndrome that we call AIDS.

Note to self: never engage in a "debate" (the fact that there needs to be one breaks my heart) about AIDS ever again. If a person believes that the HI virus has not been isolated and does not cause AIDS, then nothing you say will change their mind.

I do not feel the need to apologise to South Africa for my beliefs about AIDS, but I did start to think of all the naughty things that I did whilst on her soil that may be worthy of apology.


Here is my confessional:

• I lied to my parents more than once. Times a billion. It was for their own good.
  

• At age 6 I instigated a breakout from school. We hid in the bathrooms and then made a run for it. We got caught in the playground but made up cunning lies and avoided punishment. Where were we running to? I have vague memories of a lady in a caravan who we were going to ask for shelter. Oops, this actually didn't happen in South Africa. And this is the naughtiest thing I ever did. Sorry Botswana.

• I was a late starter in swearing, but definitely managed to tell my parents to fuck off a few times.

• I beat up my siblings. They were smaller and weaker than me. What do you expect? When they grew bigger than me I was a good girl and stopped.

• I imbibed alcohol when below the legal age limit. But I merely drank cider or Smirnoff Ice and never got really smashed till University so I don't think this even counts.

• I have jaywalked. Many times. Daredevil me.
  

• I once accidentally nearly stole a ruler. I walked out of a shop without realising I was still holding it. But I ran back in as soon as I realised.

• I had sex before marriage, therebye letting someone take a bite out of my apple. But I have been with the same guy ever since, so he has all of my apple. Technically this doesn't count either.

• I may hypothetically have smoked a vaguely illegal herb a few times. But don't worry, I never got high. I just went faint. I had the wrong lungs. Allegedly.
  

• I wore my school jersey outside of school grounds. Apparently this was as bad as murder. I forget why.
  

*

After reading this list, I think I most definitely owe South Africa an apology.

Dear South Africa,

I am sorry I was such a goody two shoes. I am sorry that in high school I never snuck out of the house and never partied all night and always did all my homework and never bunked school. I am sorry I never puked in your bushes, or dived into your bushes or did naughty things with boys in your bushes. I should have kicked up more of a storm and had more of a jol whilst on your soil.

Some day I will make up for it ;)