Magical unicorn juice.

Soooo. Breastfeeding is going.... well? Can I even write that? It has been a week of good breastfeeding. I got my cyst drained about 3 weeks ago and it has been 3 weeks of pumping my dodgy boob at first every hour, then every 2 and trying to get the supply from 20mls to whatever it usually is. I also did power pumping in the evenings, and when G is around I use the electrical pump after every feed to stimulate the nipples. For the last week, baby L has finally started taking dodgy boob again. It needed to be reasonably full for him to take it. People keep telling me there is no need to pump, just to nurse and he would build my supply but that really does not work as he will not take a boob with 20 mls in it, there is just no go. The flow was still bad and the letdown incredibly slow so now I always pump it a few times quickly to bring the milk down and so far he takes it at every feed. I have not used a bottle, have not been able to get him to take a bottle this week. I was panicking about it but I think it is actually because he is full and he gets upset that we are basically trying to force feed him when he is full. Before, when he would not feed on my left boob I just supplemented him with a bottle after every feed but he usually would only drink a little, until the evening and then he would chug more down as I got emptier. This week was the first time that I was full enough for him even in the evening when he does his little cluster feed. I plan to still offer him a bottle once a day to keep him used to it because the thought of him refusing a bottle terrifies me. If there is one thing I feel certain of, the wheels of this breastfeeding train could fall off again at any moment. I actually would prefer to pump my dodgy boob and feed him with the bottle, but right now he prefers breastfeeding. It kind of hurts still, the way he feeds on it. I long for the bottle. But things are improving. For now.

Unfortunately I cannot shake the anxiety that rises every time I have to feed him. In the first 6 weeks of breastfeeding I just trusted the process, despite the pain and the thrush. I could see that he was growing and gaining weight and I did not know what could go wrong. Now I know and I just cannot bring myself to trust my body. That is why I keep pumping even though in theory I should be able to trust my milk supply now. I am just scared all the time of my milk tanking. Two days ago I felt so empty all day and I did have a low supply day. So I pumped after every feed and was practically in tears the whole day as the bubs did not want a bottle. He is sick so was eating very little anyway but I was terrified. The next day my boobs were so full at each feed that they hurt. What the heck? Why can it not just be consistent? I feel like every day is a rollercoaster of worry about my stupid milk supply. I make enough for the little guy, but only if he eats fully off both boobs at each feed. I get so jealous of the ladies with huge boobs that contain enough for a few feeds at a time. I wish I could trust the process again but I doubt I will ever be able to. I have a growing freezer stash now from all the milk that I have pumped and I just hope that Squirmy will be cool with a bottle so that one day I can actually use it!

Squirmy has had about 3 colds in the last 2 weeks. Or a cold that will just not go away. Thanks to G who now works in a office with parents of toddlers who are always sick. I don't get these colds so I thought that the magical unicorn breastmilk juice was supposed to protect him but clearly not. Useless unicorn juice! I thought I just had a good immune system but maybe my protection lies in my nose not letting anything in, LOL. Poor baby. Of course he struggles to eat when he is sick and my anxiety remains through the roof. Ugh. Being a parent is terrifying.