Feeding woes

This breastfeeding malarky does not get easier. I told people I was more afraid of breastfeeding than I was of giving birth, and I think this is still valid. It is so effing hard. I had another lady visiting me at home today to zap my nipples with a lazer as my nipples are totally messed up and cracked and blistered and not healing. Things had been going fairly well, my left boob always tends to upset the baby and make him pull on and off and twist the nipple and scream etc, just generally a hellish experience, but I somehow hoped it would improve in time. I am so stubborn I just kept trying and trying, and my nipple got more and more messed up. People always say breastfeeding will improve with time. But it just got worse and worse and now the other nipple is cracking and hurting too. It got to the point where I was starting to dread feeding him, which is not helpful as he needs to feed every two to three hours and I can't keep dreading every feed. And there is no formula left in the house. So I finally called the physio lady for some help for my destroyed nipples.

Apparently I have thrush on my nipples and this is why they are not healing. What a bitch. Already had thrush down there and on the baba too. This all stems from the fact that I had to take antibiotics for the mastitis. Ugh the neverending cycle of complications. I have spent a fortune at the pharmacy since I gave birth. I have never really taken medicine or had health complications of any kind until now. I am suddenly becoming familiar with all sorts of chemical compounds. And even though I am a scientist and an utter sceptic, I allowed my midwives to persuade me to buy homeopathic remedies (which are good for a sugar boost at least). One midwife told me to take a homeopathic remedy to turn the baby from posterior to anterior. Because there is a herb that can perform such complicated mechanics... even if it was not diluted into nothingness... and I actually bought it. It was the day before I went into labour so you could argue it was too late but needless to say it did not work.

So now I have a cornucopia of medicines to take and put on my nipples and feed the baby. I really really hope that once the thrush goes away my nipples can heal and then things can really get easier just like all the midwives keep saying. The bub has been gaining like a champ so far and it seems like such a waste of pain, effort and trauma to give up breastfeeding just when it is supposed to get easier so I guess I will keep trying a bit longer.

I had really hoped to pump milk and let G feed the bub once a day, but we tried yesterday and I couldn't pump! Milk did not come out and my nipples were in sheer agony and I even have a bruise on one breast.This totally freaked me out and now I question how much food the poor bubs is getting. He has started feeding much more frequently. Ugh the constant fear and panicking. He is only going to be weighed in two weeks so I really hope he does not lose weight. I had been pumping like a maniac in the first week (back when my nipples were not so sore, oh the good old days) but then I got lazy and stopped. Now I want to pump again to increase my supply for him but I can't, it is too damn painful and nothing came out! I hope if my nipples heal a bit that I can try again, but it may be that we cannot do a bottle feed with him because apparently if you wait too long to give a baby a bottle they won't take it. Ergh. He has taken pretty much everything we can shove in his mouth so far, so maybe he will buck this trend. We will see.