Reality kicks.

I've started feeling real kicks now, the kind where I don't even have to press my hands on my stomach, and it is freaking me out. I was at university today, typing away at my thesis, when these kind of ticklish, uncomfortable kicks started up.

I had a real moment of panic and disorientation. There is a human INSIDE of me (trying to get out?). It was some kind of Alien moment. This human is inside of ME. And anything could happen. I am supposed to look after it inside of me, but anything could happen.

I have always been a nervous (maybe more like terrified) and reluctant driver. I really struggle with driving. I learned so late in life. I still feel the need to practice driving somewhere before I go for the first time on my own. Now that I have a permanent passenger inside of me, I am terrified again. I am so crap, what if I crash? I mean, it will be much worse now if I crash! I am so out of it sometimes when I drive, anything could happen!!

Oh dear. This all became so real. I think it did not really dawn on me before just how real this all was. The groblet was tiny and I couldn't feel him. It seemed like a story I had told myself rather than something real.

It's so real and I have to look after this human for the rest of my life and keep it alive and I am totally freaked out.

Major diet-related guilt.

I know going on and on about pregnancy related stuff can be somewhat tiresome, but it does tend to take over your whole life, for obvious reasons.

I did not get morning sickness, no vomming for me, hooray for that. I did get nausea though and an enthusiastic gag reflex. I also got a strong aversion to vegetables. They don't make me nauseous, but my stomach just says NO. I do try though. When I make something healthy it can take me an hour to eat it because I really have to force it down. Which makes me naturally want to avoid all vegetable dishes because they are such an effort to eat.

Meat is not enticing at all either. I can eat it but it will not digest and it just makes me feel blegh. So there is a lot of force-feeding going on at the moment.

However, carbs are my best friend! Potatoes, oh yeah. And chips - The Simba kind, especially corn chips make me feel so good! There is a definite salt craving going on.

I have to admit I have eaten a few full bags of nik naks and ghost pop so far. And a few people have pointed out that they are filled with MSG and preservatives and a whole crap load of e-numbers and lots of salt and that I should NOT be eating whole bags of them. Eating donuts and sweet things does not cause so much panic but my chip consumption is apparently a whole other level of bad.

Now I am panicking somewhat. Will my poor kiddo have some kind of nasty issues due to salt overload or horrible e-number overdose? Ugh. The thing is, it is so hard. All other food is making me miserable. All I crave is salt and carbs and it is the only thing that makes my tummy feel ok, And I am trying. I forced down a steak today and yesterday I force-fed myself a homemade soup with at least 4 types of veggies. But egh. Eating is such an effort. And my nik nak addiction has probably already done the damage if there is any.

I am going to try like crazy to avoid all chip-related binges from now on. How, I do not know. Try telling my stomach how delicious butternut really is and please send it the message that gagging is no fun.