There was a Kugel, a Vaalie, and Van de Merwe...

The common or garden potato squid.

I think British people are easy to take the mickey out of. There are many eccentricisms and twee things going on on this island. But any immigrants be warned. Within about two years, the things that struck you as a bit nuts will start to make a lot more sense... you will see.

Personally I think the BFG has become more British than British people. He plots trends of the weather over 5 minute periods, gets incensed when people jump queues, finds it enthralling when a shop closes down and a new one moves in, and goes climbing alone at night, on self belay, in winter. In Leicestershire. He attaches bicycle lights to his legs in order to see. In a word, bonkers.


But South Africans are funny too (I am referring to people other than the BFG here, he is in a category of his own), although I find them more sensitive than Brits, on the whole. We have taken ourselves very seriously for too long. It is time to poke fun at ourselves:

• All my white Saffa friends in the UK live in absolute pigsties. First time away from the maid is a traumatic time indeed. They either live with the mess or resort to a Polish cleaning lady.
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• We have no idea how to cope with cold weather. Today BFG said to me, "gloves are so cool. Why have I never worn them before?" This after being here 5 years. He still wears shorts and strops until he gets chilblains.
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• We will reason that although South Africa has terrible social, economic and crime problems, the weather is great, and the country is beautiful and so it is all good. And somehow this makes absolute sense.
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• We have no idea how to operate petrol pumps.
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• We love to think that people are ignorant about Africa and get very excited when people show their ignorance. We live off these stories for years.
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• We love to say, "but that is the way it is in Africa. You have to be tough to survive." I don't know. I managed to be a woessy little girl and survive for 23 years. Maybe the 24th is the clincher.
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• We know who Steve Hofmeyer is and can still sleep at night.
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• White people always think the maid is stealing stuff from them. "I am sure there is less air in this room since Patricia cleaned..."
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• We eat pieces of raw deer like they are manna from heaven.
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• We still think Leon Schuster humour is the peak of comedy genius.

We are nutters too, we have to admit it. I reckon non-South Africans could do a better job at laughing at us than me. But we should laugh along with them, because well, we can be lekker snaaks sometimes, nê?